Don’t You Be Stressin’

Over the last month, I’ve found myself experiencing stress that nearly incapacitates me, which I haven’t experienced since middle school (College doesn’t count; that’s stressful for everybody.). I’m on the doorstep of the Brock Family Reunion (five days, about 30 people, Myrtle Beach, woot woot!), the first half of which Jake and I are hosting. Jake, however, won’t actually be there for that half due to work requirements, so for the most part I’m facilitating the planning on my own. In addition to this planning, I’ve been accepted as the Vice President of Spiritual Life for the army-wide chapel program called Protestant Women of the Chapel (so exciting!). At first, it was just me and another lady trying to get things done, and slowly but surely God brought in women to fill other positions on the executive board of this program, and things are starting to really get done. Also at first, everything weighed very heavily on my shoulders, because I was filling the role of both President and Vice President. Then there felt like this huge lack of time to complete all the things I felt needed to get done, since most administrative tasks (really, anything that involves being on my laptop, making phone calls, etc.) are reserved to the girls’ nap time or in the evening after they’ve gone to bed, with most of my practical tasks happening while they’re awake (I can at least involve them in those things and we can do them together, ya know?). With all of this, there arose an epic temptation to forego getting up early in the morning to spend time in the Bible and praying and memorizing Scripture, since I was so tired and there was so much to get done.

I’ve had a few reactions to these feelings of stress:

“Clearly, I’ve over-committed and I need to back out of something and people will just have to deal with it. Self-care, right?”

Something I’ve noticed about myself is that a change in circumstance in and of itself almost never changes my heart or emotions. If I’m discontent or stressed in one life context, the same emotions and mindsets carry over into the next. Can a change like this help facilitate change in my heart? Absolutely! But it’s almost never the answer. I end up in the new circumstance wondering when the next change will happen, or adopting the mindset that if I’m stressed, the answer is always that I just need to cut things out of my life.

Now, in other times (insert painfully awkward middle-school flashback here) I should have learned from one phase of over-commitment so that I wouldn’t over commit again, but I definitely didn’t. But, reflecting on these times, I do remember that I should take my commitments seriously, and not commit unless I’m certain I have the capacity to fulfill that commitment appropriately. Concerning the Family Reunion and PWOC, knowing very well of my default commitments of being a wife and a mom, I really did process these through with God and Jake and others before committing.

“I just need to get a bunch of stuff done today (whatever day that may be) and then I’ll feel better.”

The statement behind this statement goes something like, “Rest won’t help me get everything done.” In the last statement, I kind of mocked the idea of “self-care,” or at least the way I can manipulate to fit my mood instead of meeting my legitimate need. When I say “rest,” I’m really thinking of my devotional time with Jesus in the mornings, a nap here and there during a normal week, as well as the day (usually Monday) designated each week for rest. On that day, the girls don’t do any chores, I don’t do any chores, I don’t cook or work on my To-Do list, we don’t drive anywhere or do any shopping, nothing…I just read or nap or we walk to the park or walk to the pool or whatever. Consistently violating those set times of rest is one way I’ve noticed I get burnt out, becoming ultimately unproductive.

I’ve been trying to take note of the Sabbath as I read through the Old Testament. I think the way God instructed the Israelites to take a Sabbath is modeled after how God rested on the seventh day of creation (see Genesis 1-2:1). Basically, no work is to be done on the Sabbath. Concerning what sacrifices or ceremonies are done on that day, I’m still a little fuzzy, because the Old Testament calendar overall is fuzzy to me. But, later on in the Old Testament, in 2 Chronicles 36, it says this:

“He (the king of the Chaldeans) took into exile in Babylon those who had escaped from the sword, and they became servants to him and to his sons until the establishment of the kingdom of Persia, to fulfill the word of the Lord by the mouth of Jeremiah, until the land had enjoyed its Sabbaths. All the days that it lay desolate it kept Sabbath, to fulfill seventy years.” (v.20-21, emphasis mine)

Someone recently mentioned, when I brought up this passage and how it struck me, that this might’ve been talking about what’s called The Year of Jubilee, when all debts are forgiven and no harvest is taken from the fields and so many other things, literally so that the land can have rest from people working on it. When I first read it, I thought it was referring to the neglect of the designated seventh-day-Sabbath. Either way, some kind of Sabbath ordained by God had been neglected, and the people of Israel were disciplined for that neglect (and for a bunch of other pretty disturbing things…) by being ripped from their land and exiled to Babylon.

But what struck me the most is that it’s the land that enjoyed the Sabbaths, not any people who were living in it. What this said to me is that God’s idea of the Sabbath is not just for me (or the Israelites) to get a mini-vacay, but so that there’s rest all around, so that both the worker and the things being worked on can chill for just a day, or a year, or beyond. In other words, I let others rest by making sure I’m resting as God has designed me to rest. Not resting sabotages both my own productivity and the productivity of others.

Whatever things need to get done can wait one day, and if they can’t, I’ve probably wasted time on the other six days of the week in some way, shape, or form, usually staring uselessly at my phone, or I’ve not planned well so that I can prioritize the daily and weekly times of rest in Christ.

And it never makes me feel any better! Even if I skip time with Christ or time in rest to get things done, and even if I get everything on my list done, I end the day thinking of all the things I didn’t do, and all the things that are reaching from tomorrow for my attention and energy even before I’ve gone to sleep for the night.

“In light of eternity, none of these things actually matter, and it would be better to prioritize time with Jesus and my normal times of rest, and get done whatever I can get done. It’s gonna be okay.”

Praise God this is actually a reaction I can have now. Thankfully I’ve settled on this one most of the time, and even the times I don’t, I end up coming back around to it anyway.

In one of my recent posts, I mentioned that when I devote time to Christ at the beginning of the day, I’m more able to determine which tasks are worth doing and which tasks are not, which activities will contribute to how I’m seeking to follow Christ and which activities are less than helpful, or even neutral. And this is still true!

And so…

The final reaction is where I’ve landed, and it’s developed into more of a well-thought out response (hence the paragraph following it…) to stress. And this is insane! I used to have emotional breakdowns daily because of stress, reacting like the entire world was ending because of how overwhelmed I felt. The fact that I can even conceptualize the idea of a “big picture” is a huge deal.

Random caveat: I think God has actually used Jake a lot in growing me in this area. First of all, Jake’s personality is completely different from mine. If you’re into or familiar with Myer’s Briggs (it’s a bit old-school, I know, and Enneagram is the new thing), Jake is an ESTP and I’m an INFJ. Do you see any of the same letters between them? Nope, neither do I. That being said, Jake naturally sees things with a big-picture-perspective, and doesn’t get too caught up in the details of how everything will happen. He doesn’t easily get worked up or overwhelmed. Having him as my counterpart has been crucial to my experiencing a part of God I felt like I could never quite touch. I’ve always seen God in the details, but have struggled to see Him in the big picture of life. Second of all, Jake is in the military. I’m not sure of all of the effects military life has had on me, but I know I’m much more okay with not knowing how everything is going to work out, much better at not depending too much on my own planning or expectations, and much better at discerning what things are actually in my power to control and what things are completely outside of me.

I don’t reflect on my own growth very often…I think I’m concerned that it’ll make me prideful. But in the past, when I’ve recorded all the ways I’ve grown or succeeded in any way, I end up feeling very small and humbled, and I can’t clearly explain why. It’s all just feelings right now. And even now, seeing how I’ve changed concerning dealing with stress gives me a lot of hope: I won’t always struggle the way I do now, not just with stress but in general, and while some things will get easier and others will get harder, the overall vision for the future is peace and security that surpasses all understanding, because of Jesus Christ, and all that He did, is doing, and will do.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” —Philippians 4:4-8

Give Me Jesus

I’ve recently taken up anew the habit of getting time with Jesus before the girls wake up in the morning.

I had been getting this time during their nap in the afternoon, but found I was scrambling to get through it in order to accomplish all of the other “To-Do” list tasks (as in, this was something I was checking off a list) or it was frustratingly distracted (I already had my phone with me, I was already in productive “take-on-the-day” mode, and resting in the presence of Jesus was very difficult). While I was beginning to redeem the practice of getting time with Jesus during the girls’s nap (It started becoming more focused, less distracted, more fruitful, etc.), I still desired to be with Jesus before I was with anyone else for the day.

Moment of clarification: Christians are in the presence of the Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) all day and all night, and there is no time when we’re not “getting time with Jesus.” When I specify “getting time with Jesus” in this way, I mean the spiritual equivalent of the difference between everyday interactions with someone you love, and focused, quality time with that same person. For instance: there’s a big, fat difference between how Jake and I connect with each other when we’re in the house together, taking care of the girls, doing chores, trying to have meaningful conversations while also multitasking and giving instructions and our hands and minds are busy, and when Jake and I are out on a date with just the two of us. We leave the former time feeling disconnected, like we’re constantly reaching out for one another without being able to feel our hands meet. We leave the latter time, however, feeling supported, grounded in our mutual love for one another, and ready to launch back into the everyday life together. With Jesus, because He’s a real person and I’m in a real relationship with Him, as real as if not more real than my relationship with Jake, it works very similarly.

What “getting time with Jesus” looks like, specifically before the girls get up in the mornings, is this: My alarm goes off at 0600, I wake up, and I get ready for the day. We have a nifty Delay Brew setting on our coffee pot, which I’ve set to 0545 the night before, so the sweet caffeinated nectar is already brewed by the time I get downstairs. I turn on the lamp nearest to where I sit every morning, get my cup of coffee, some water, and take my place. I sit in silence for a few minutes with my cup in my hands, taking in the fact that I’m awake, that I’m here to meet with and hear from Jesus, and preparing my heart to start the time expectantly. Then I start with whatever devotional I’m going through (right now it’s “Blessings for Women” by Susie Larson) to whet my appetite for the Word. Once done with that, I start reading my Bible (I’m in 2 Chronicles right now), or, depending on the morning, I may start journaling prayers first…Normally, it’s Bible reading, then journaling. I usually read about three or four chapters. After Bible reading, I start journaling. The things I journal often go in the order of making a list of things I’m thankful for, then writing out prayers of three natures: praying for others, praying for myself, or confessing. It seems like a rigid practice as I write it—ya know, synthesizing—but it’s much more fluid in reality. After I reach a stopping point (but am I ever really done?), I work on Scripture memory. Right now I have four verses in a stack of 3×5 cards, three of which are just review, and one of which I’m actively memorizing. They are 1 Chronicles 21:13, Lamentations 3:40, 2 Corinthians 9:6-8, and 2 Chronicles 19:6-7, the last one being that which I’m actively memorizing. These verses are all taken from one of three areas: the devotional I’m reading, my Bible reading, or sermons I’ve heard/been convicted by at chapel.

Why Am I Sharing This?

When Jake and I were engaged, we had a conversation about children (how many, when, if, “what does God want?” etc.). This conversation made me remember all of the moms I’d talked to up to that point in my life who never seemed to have time to read the Bible or deepen their relationship with Jesus. This terrified me. When I had children, would I no longer have time to go to Jesus when I was weary and heavy laden, to find rest for my soul? How would I stay sane? What would happen to me?

This motivated me to ask all the moms who did “have time” to deepen their relationship with Jesus, “How do you do it? How can I ensure I’ll be able to do it?”

One woman’s answer still sticks with me today:

“You prioritize what’s important to you.”

Since I’ve had children, I haven’t stopped spending daily time with Jesus (even if some days offer more meager portions than others), because of that exact response. Whenever I think “I don’t have time for spending time with Jesus.” the second thought is usually “What can you cut out of your schedule that’s taking up that time?” Or, “It’s not that you don’t have time, but that you’re spending your time on a lesser priority.” Even the thought of “I just feel so overwhelmed and I can’t challenge myself to keep that discipline every day when I can’t even do x, y, and z.” is not discouraging, because I know that I will feel so much less overwhelmed by the day if I spend time with Jesus. And, frankly, what tasks are legitimately important to do during the day are much easier to discern and accomplish. Anything else I could possibly spend my time doing is not nearly as important as drinking from the well of the Word and opening my hurting and tired heart to Jesus. I think a lot of overwhelmed and spiritually desperate moms would be so much less so if this were also true of their lives.

Martin Luther is quoted as saying, “Work, work from early until late. In fact, I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer.”

Sharing what I’ve been doing for my time with Jesus is a way of keeping myself accountable, as well as sharing the joy of doing so…Whenever I do this, and build up this habit, I never think “I wish I would’ve slept in,” or regretted the time in the slightest.

The “Not” Reasons

1. But why do I need to read the Bible? How is that spending time with Jesus? Don’t I just need to know Jesus to spend time with Him? The answers to these self-directed questions come from the smart but not canonized words of R.C. Sproul in his brilliant little book “Knowing Scripture.” When someone asked him these same questions, he responded with, “Well, who is Jesus?” or, put another way, “How do you know who Jesus is?”

Most of what Christians accurately know of Jesus is from the Bible, which is historically and spiritually accurate, and so time in and knowledge of the Bible is necessary to know who Jesus is.

2. But does it really have to be in the morning? Do I really have to spend time with Jesus before I spend time with anyone else?

Of course not. There’s no law Christians are under to do it at any specific time. It just seems wisest to do it in the morning. What you do in the morning, or how your morning goes, really, can and most often does set the tone for how the rest of the day will go. If the Christian’s purpose is to know Christ (John 17:3) and to make Him known (Matthew 28:19-20, Acts 1:8) then wouldn’t it be best to start the day with those things? Even, starting with the pursuit of knowing Christ, so that our day can be more naturally and effectively geared toward the pursuit of making Him known? If you don’t believe these are the purposes of the Christian, you should read your Bible and figure out what they are. *wink wink*

3. Aren’t the “Christian disciplines” just disciplines? How can they really deepen a relationship? How is “doing the disciplines” any different from just following a diet, or working out every day?

The difference is that these are not supposed to be disciplines, even if they’re called that. They’re not just something that’s like, “This would be good for me; I should do it.” even if that might be true. The problem I think a lot of Christians get into is that they allow their tendency to be religious (following or making up rules for themselves so that they feel good or productive, which I totally relate to) to cloud God’s desire for us to be relational. Christians forget that the disciplines are not rules that need to be followed. The disciplines are there so that Christians can experience the life that they already have in Christ.

Christians also forget the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit, the third part of the Trinity, enlivens the Word to feed our souls; He connects us to Jesus and the Father as we pray (Romans 8:26); He gives us power to conform to and be deeply transformed by what we read in the Word (Galatians 5:22-23, Ezekiel 36:26-27); He leads us into truth, reassures and comforts us of our position in eternity (John 14:26), and convicts us of sin (John 16:7-15), or, to put that another way, lets us know when we’re drinking poison under the illusion that it’s medicine. He is there in the “getting time with Jesus” to make these disciplines what they’re meant to be: an avenue through which Christians can abide in Christ (John 15).

And so…

There’s a lot more to be said and so many more questions that could be asked. But I want to conclude this post with a thought I’ve been having as I consider these things, and this is a big deal to me, since what I naturally desire is absolute control over my circumstances: In light of eternity, the laundry can wait, the dishes can wait, the meal prep/planning can wait, the yard can wait, whatever things are on my phone can wait, since these are the things that are most distracting during my time with Jesus. My life will not descend into chaos if I neglect them to have time in the Word and in prayer. And frankly, even if my life were to descend into chaos, I will be much more equipped to handle it in security in Christ if I spend time with Him first. And so this is good.

“Let us test and examine our ways and return to the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:40)

“But, what does He want?”

Hello! I mentioned in my last post that I’d be blogging the first and third Sunday of each month…well, it’s the first Monday of the month, and not Sunday…we’re starting off quite well, aren’t we?

A lot of transitions have been happening in my family’s life, so this post is more of a life update. There’s a verse I’m presently memorizing (thanks K-Love Verse of the Day for bringing it to my attention!) that seems to sum up this season:

“Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:40)

I think it’s important to mention that the context of this verse is the prophet Jeremiah writing about Israel as she’s (Israel, not Jeremiah, cuz he be a dude) been disobedient to God for far too long, and now her repentance is too little too late: she will not be protected from the consequences of her sin. I’m sure when Jeremiah penned this, he didn’t intend it for a 21st century American Gentile. Regardless, there is more grace, and the Holy Spirit allows Christians across time to apply and appropriate Scripture to draw them ever closer to the God who loves them.

That being said, Jake and I, both individually and together have been “testing and examining our ways” and asking the question, “What does God actually want?” Not even, “What is best?” nor “What is wisest?” and not “What do we dream of doing?” We’ve realized we’ve been doing what we think we ought to be doing as we look at what other people are doing, when we should be more concerned with what God actually desires of us and our lives.

Transition#1: Ministry

These transitions are not in any order, but this one has been at the forefront of our minds for the last few months. Since we’ve been married, Jake and I have felt burdened to use our home for ministry, and what that thus far has meant/looked like is having a home that welcomes anyone in, at any time, for the purposes of serving, encouraging, and loving them, whether they’re believers or unbelievers. We still think this is what God desires of us, particularly because we see so many principles supporting it in Scripture (Hebrews 13:2, 1 Peter 4:9, Romans 12:13, Acts 2:42-46, to name a few). But another mission we see clearly in Scripture is the call to make disciples of all nations (Matthew 28:18-20), and we think the burden of using our home for ministry ought to be founded in that: we are hospitable because we’re wanting to follow Jesus in making disciples.

We’ve been doing a lot of events in our home (3-4 a week), where large-ish groups of people (about a max of 15 at a time) come, eat together, and usually do some sort of worship or Bible study, depending on the day and the event. This practice has allowed for a lot of opportunities to go shallow with many, but little to no opportunities to go deep with a few. Jesus was often followed by great crowds, but He spent all of His time with just twelve men, and even among them He spent more focused time with just three (the apostles Peter, James, and John). He went deep with a few, and they affected the multitudes…Or at least that’s what we’ve observed in reading the Gospels in the Bible. For more on this, The Master Plan of Evangelism by Robert E. Coleman is a good resource.

So we’ve started a bit of an experiment, where we’ve sliced our events down to hosting a weekly lunch in our home on Sunday afternoon, which has been the most consistent event since we’ve arrived at Fort Benning, and are re-focusing our time on individuals who are hungry for Jesus…God has been wonderful in this, because this transition really started when our large groups dwindled down to one or two consistent people. Then the question became, “Okay, do we go out and recruit more so that our group is bigger, because that’s the way God wants us to do ministry, or do we take this as a hint that these people ought to be more deliberately invested in?” Since I’m writing this, we’ve obviously determined it’s the latter.

This all feels very weird and a bit fragile, like riding a bike for the first time.

Transition#2: Finances

It feels like I talk about finances every time I post…Factually, I don’t, but that’s the feeling.

It’s just that God is consistently transforming the way Jake and I look at finances. We’ve been talking about some areas of our finances where we want to spend less on ourselves and refocus the funds to others, and then just yesterday our chaplain preached on Christian Giving out of 2 Corinthians 8-9.

There are quotes that come to mind that both encourage me about how we spend our money and challenge me about the same things, namely, “Put your money where your mouth is.” and “Look at your finances, and see where your heart lies.” And then a slew of Scripture, of course, flooding into my heart any time I think about buying this or spending that.

Mind you, this is not a source of guilt for me. I used to really struggle with spending money on myself because I couldn’t spiritually justify it. But what’s happened is that the more I’ve surrendered our finances to God (I say “I’ve surrendered” because I’m the one who tracks and maneuvers our budget) the more freedom there is in spending money…I wish I could explain that better. There is no guilt in spending money on anything, but rather a constant question of, “Is there a better way to spend this?” This will be something I probably regularly write about, because it really is a source of consistent “sifting” for both me and Jake.

Transition#3: Quiet Times

This isn’t quite a transition as it is just a praise for me. This past week I’ve had such a wonderful time of prayer and reading the Word and memorizing Scripture, and my soul feels so revived. A few weeks ago I tested positive for COVID, and experienced the ensuing awfulness of that virus, which put a huge dent in my time with God, and therefore in my overall quality of life. Before that, I’d experienced a long bout of sickness (caused by some supplements I’d been taking, I later realized) that resulted in the same struggle as COVID later would.

So the recent life-giving time I’ve been spending with God has been a breath of fresh air. I’m actually getting things out of reading the Bible again, really talking through some grey areas of my faith in general with God in prayer, and having the energy and focus to better pray for others, especially Jake. And memorizing Scripture! Guys, I love memorizing Scripture. I remember in college, I’d have basketball practice at 0530, which gave me no time for extended devotions/quiet times before that (although, if I’d managed my time better, I could’ve gotten to bed earlier and therefore gotten up earlier to spend time with Him…ah, c’est la vie). So I’d get up at 0445, eat a hard-boiled egg, and review at least one memory verse while I tied on my basketball shoes before heading to practice. There was a noticeable difference concerning my overall attitude, my treatment of others, and the tone set for the rest of the day when I started doing that.

That being said, I look forward to the fruits of consistency in this area of life.

Transition#4: Writing

I might have mentioned this in previous posts, but I’ve started writing books again!

Last year, I developed a writing calendar on Google Calendar, set up with a writing task to complete each day, and I’ve continued the practice this year. Some tasks include: writing new material/adding to the main content, completing a lesson in some grammar curriculum, writing a myth, developing geography, praying for specific areas of the writing, or even blogging.

The reason this is part of my list of transitions is that my writing “tree” is beginning to bear the “fruits of consistency” I mentioned above: I’ve stuck with the calendar long enough, and spent time developing a daily discipline long enough that not only do I feel weird about not writing, but I actually take joy in the discipline of writing, so that even on the days when I get writer’s block (a fancy term for “I just don’t wanna write because being creative isn’t easy right now”) I can push through it, and see even more fruit.

This is the same way the spiritual disciplines (fellowship, reading the Word, prayer, and evangelism) work for believers: each day a Christian decides to set aside some other task or thing that seems important to spend time doing these things, that’s another day that waters the tree of spiritual endurance, and soon that Christian is experiencing the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) that are birthed forth from abiding in Christ (John 15:1-8).

The days I don’t “feel” like spending time with God (which are becoming less frequent as I’m consistently reminded I’m a bit of a tyrant without Him…in my parenting, particularly) but push through anyway are usually the days I have major spiritual breakthroughs that result in important changes in my life and transformations in my relationships.

Things worth doing take sustained effort in a consistent direction, and there is fruit to be tasted over time.

To Be Continued…

Talking about transitions can be tricky because the question is always, “Will your expectations be met?” Well, no. There’s a chance that Jake and I will totally flop on the ministry change, that I’ll get all inconsistent with writing and quiet times and have to reform it all again, or that this transition time will be super extensive, only to bear fruit at our next duty station, next season of life, next whatever. And all of this is okay. What I can rightfully expect will happen is that I will see more and more of who God is and how He loves me and the rest of this broken world as life goes on. And that’s really exciting.

“‘The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day.’ -Proverbs 4:18

‘May God wildly increase your capacity to walk with Him.

May His power and His promises impact your every word and every step. May He increase your territory, establish your influence, and awaken your faith.

May He deepen your love, broaden your perspective, and multiply your compassion.

In every way, may you know God’s redeeming, multiplying power in your life. And may humble and holy spiritual momentum be yours.

Walk forward in faith today.'”

–Blessings for Women: Words of Grace and Peace for Your Heart by Susie Larson

As I am Sifted…

When I originally started this blog at eighteen years old (Gosh, has it been that long?), I did it to keep myself sane and steady, and to let other people know what I was going through as I tried to follow Jesus while living in New York City, attending an institute that was intolerant to Christianity. I wanted to let other Christians know that God was big enough to preserve their faith as they went to secular universities, and to expose a need for Christian students at those kinds of universities. I’d noticed a great “hiding” of Christian kids from the secular world by having their own colleges, private schools, music, books, etc., and I felt we were missing out on a huge part of the Great Commission (check out Nancy Pearcey’s book “Saving Leonardo” for more on this). This is all reflective, of course. At the time, I was terrified, but eager to let my faith be put to the test, and see if this God of mine really was as big and faithful as He so promised (He is!).

Fast forward to getting married to Jacob Brock, my best friend’s older brother (if you don’t know that story, you’ll likely find out in the course of reading my posts…it’s pretty epic, and God did a good job, more than five stars really) and experiencing my first years as a military wife, and then as the mom of young children (we have two just now). During that time this blog continued, but I missed a transition point in my faith. When I was in college, I had an excuse, for lack of a better word, to be naïve, and people gave me a ton of grace, and I learned some really hard lessons concerning the blog: I overshared other people’s information and spoke out of great ignorance on several topics, but I learned to be transparent and discerning about what God desired me to share, when to share it, and how to do so. But then, when I left college, I continued to overshare in a way that was incompatible with how I was maturing in my faith: I felt the Holy Spirit’s pull to be cleaner in my writing, more discerning, and much, much more prayerful.

I didn’t really respond to this pull until Jake and I, and our oldest (Eldest? Mm, I like eldest…) daughter Rhoda, left our first duty station (Fort Bragg, NC) and moved to our next duty station (Fort Benning, GA). Responding to God’s call to “blog better” in an effort to more powerfully encourage and challenge other believers through my own life involved stepping into a place of embarrassment, regret, and insecurity, all concerning what I’d blogged about and how I’d blogged about it in the past, what anyone reading the blog thought of me or would think of me, and a good amount of criticism (both constructive and destructive) about my ministry methods and who I am as a person. Now, to the best of my abilities, I’ve processed through those criticisms, most of which were desperately needed, and I’ve maneuvered through the embarrassment and insecurity, asked for forgiveness where it was known to be necessary and appropriate (although I’m sure there’s more to be done in this area), and come out on the other side of it all with this: I should still be blogging.

I know the platform of a blog makes it easy for anyone and everyone to share their thoughts and experiences, which can be an awesome opportunity for Christians, whether lay or clerical, to encourage one another worldwide, but it can also be a gnarly breeding ground for false doctrine, confusing guidance, and straight up spiritual garbage. My hope is that in starting to blog again, I present what I’m experiencing etc. as honestly and humbly as possible, as rooted in Scripture as possible, as clearly as possible, trusting that the Holy Spirit (and hopefully other God-fearing Christians reading my blogs) will clean up any unintentional mess that comes out of my mouth.

Some things I say will come across as intense and dogmatic…this seems to be part of myself that I can’t change, and that I will continue to surrender to God to be useful to Him in communicating truth to others. Some things I say will be naïve and ignorant, but hopefully the readers will know that I’m only human, that I’m open to criticism and correction (in fact, I feel quite loved by people reaching out to correct or question me, since I can’t grow inside a vacuum), and that I’m very young and still have a lot to learn.

The blog will start out with two posts a month on the first and third Sunday, with book reviews in between official posts (This may change based on my capacity…we’ll see how it goes). I’m excited to restart this journey of writing on this platform again, and I’m excited to be doing it with you.

P.S. A note on the change of the name of the blog: when I started this blog, I called it “Soft Clay” to illustrate my desire and imperfect attempt to allow the Trinity to mold me into whatever He desires me to be, which I believe is all for my good and His glory. While that desire is still true, the reality of my life has thus far proven to be more like gold digging. I am maneuvering a loving sieve, where God is sifting through the gunk in my heart to produce the fruit of gold at the top, leaving all else to perish. And oh, have I been sifted…And I need so much more.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” (Hebrews 12:1-3)

Why Can’t I Get It Right?

At the beginning of October, Jake anticipated the next two months to be very busy, with him being gone late most nights, with a few overnights and 24-hour CQ (Charge of Quarters) shifts thrown in there. And so we prepared for it. This past week, however, seemed to be the culminating moment of the first month and a half of expected busyness, as I reached the end of my rope, and seriously needed to reflect on what brought me to that point.

Thursday night of this past week, I vented to Jake like I’d never vented to him before. I screamed and cried and thoroughly let the floodgates of my emotions fly open, holding nothing back. I yelled things like, “I’m done! I don’t even know what that means!” and “I feel like I just give and give and give and get nothing back!” (specifically thinking about getting lost in what can feel like the monotony of being a wife and a mom in this phase of life…), and, most telling, “I have all this knowledge of God and the Bible, and it all does me no good. I’m not patient, though I want to be. I’m not joyful, though I want to be. I’m not secure, though I want to be.”

After that very long venting session, and after Jake and I talked about the things I’d said, I reflected more on the final statement I mentioned. Why was it that I had all this knowledge, and yet felt like I had no power to carry it out?

Some things immediately came to mind:

1. My time with God as of late has been wonky: thoroughly unfocused, short, and inconsistent. I am very much not abiding in Christ (John 15:1-8), and not walking in the Spirit that I might not satisfy the desires of my flesh (Galatians 5:16). Part of this is because Rhoda and Trinity’s naps are no longer overlapping consistently (again), which means I might get 30 minutes a day to myself, if any, and my efforts of getting up before the girls do in the morning are thwarted by exhaustion, or by the girls getting up earlier than I expected. Another part is that I’ve started to believe that things other than spending time with Christ will give me the rest and security that I crave, and I always end up still exhausted and anxious and everything I’ve seen Him satisfy so many times before.

2. Jake is gone often, which leaves me spiritually vulnerable. What I don’t mean by this is that I’m somehow less than Jake, or incapable of being connected with God when he’s not around. What I do mean by this is that it has been a pattern in our relationship that when Jake’s not around, I am more fervently and pointedly attacked by Satan…not to sound like a total psycho 😛 This comes up in the repeated phrases of, “It doesn’t matter if you’re overwhelmed: nobody is coming to save you.” and “You are nothing more than the milk you produce, the laundry you fold, the dishes you wash, and the food you prepare.” and “You are never going to be enough for your children.” The last one is actually true, but it’s hard to hear in the moments when my children do expect me to be enough for them, and their expectations seem to be the most real things to me just then.

3. I have allowed myself to get isolated. I noticed that over the last month I’d gotten out of the house very little (with the exception of going grocery shopping, getting gas, going to chapel), and had very little social interaction with other adults. And being in your “work space” 24/7 is overwhelming for anybody.

4. I am experiencing a new bout with emotionalism. When I first started following Jesus, one of the things I was set free from was emotionalism, which I’ll define as being convinced of the truth of a thing only if my feelings validated it, regardless of any sort of facts presented. And I am still free from it, for I know that even in the midst of my emotions, there is truth that transcends them. But this new “bout,” as I describe it, is hard…It once again feels like I’m the child “tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.” (Ephesians 4:14) It’s been almost six years since I’ve struggled this much with my emotions. The way this shows up is in taking everything personally (especially from Jake), reacting to my children’s reactions instead of being steady and calm, stress eating, and, really, doing whatever I feel like will satisfy me, without thinking about my past experiences with those things.

This morning, before chapel, Jake watched the girls and encouraged me to get out for a couple of hours by myself. I went to Panera and ate breakfast and journaled to God for awhile about all of these things.

“Lord, I just feel like a big, fat hypocrite, because I try to speak life because I know life in my brain, but I feel absolutely dead inside…can Your promises about me really apply when I don’t feel like they’re true? I don’t feel like I’m dead to sin and alive to Christ (Romans 6:11). I don’t feel like I’ve been crucified with Christ (Galatians 2:20). I don’t feel like a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). I don’t feel like I’ve been transferred from the domain of darkness into the kingdom of the Son of Your love (Colossians 1:13). I don’t feel like I’ve been given everything that pertains to life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). I don’t feel like…like anything You say is true about me is actually true, and it feels like, right now, for anything to be true, I have to feel it to be true. Oh, but God…in the dusty closet of my ability to reason and think logically, I know that facts and evidence are against me. I have seen and witnessed too much, been convinced of too much, and I have changed, only because of You…Oh, God, but my emotions are so overwhelming, and I feel so assaulted by them at all times…and I’m so discontent and bitter and resentful but I know Your truth, by the power of Your Holy Spirit, is supposed to satisfy these things, and I’m supposed to be changed…but what? What am I missing? What am I not getting about You? Where’s the disconnect between my life and Your gospel? How can I know these things and not automatically apply them and carry them out. Gosh! I want to obey Your Word, and yet when the moment comes to choose to obey You, I seem to fall into the darkness of my feelings. Help me! Please!”

It was then I began to read my Bible, and I was reminded of Romans 7…Duh!

“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing…So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the…sin that dwells in my members. Wretched [woman] that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set [me] free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by [my] flesh, could not do.” (Romans 7:15, 17-25, 8:1-3a)

This is not new! It’s not uncommon! There will forever be a war being waged between all that I know is true, and what I actually do. My natural self pushes against the goodness of the Holy Spirit within me. And yet, even amidst this war there is a connecting factor…The law of the Spirit of life, which has set me free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. Namely, it is not focusing on not doing the things I don’t want to do, but on the Lord Jesus Christ. It is not focusing on choosing to do good things instead of bad things, but on the Lord Jesus Christ. It is not focusing, even, on having solid doctrine, but on the Lord Jesus Christ, for there is no condemnation for me, for I am in Christ Jesus.

Wow.

I have been so stressed about not doing this destructive thing or that destructive thing, about focusing on Scripture, etc., that I’ve missed the forest for the trees. It’s about Jesus, for crying out loud! And about nothing and no one else.

I realize there’s a lot of stuff packed into this post…I just feel like I’ve been losing my mind, and all the pieces of myself continue to settle back into the person of Jesus Christ, as if He is the One who holds everything together (Colossians 1:17). And I know there’s so much more to all of this, like the reality of our being dead to sin and alive to Christ, and the power that comes with that, and the power of the Spirit, and the power of the Cross, and, gosh, so much more…I feel like I’ve learned so much, only to be faced with the ocean of Jesus Christ, the depth of God’s grace, and the transforming power of the Holy Spirit, to be confronted with the reality that I still stand on the shore of it all.

Call Me “Colgate”

I feel like the last month flew by. When I went to change the calendar over to October, I couldn’t believe September was already over.

In this last month, despite how quickly it went, so much happened. Rhoda and I started her on potty training, Trinity cut two teeth, Jake was in an acting 1SG position for the first time, we met several new neighbors…and so much more. Through all of it, I was squeezed and stretched and sifted in some very humbling and uncomfortable ways…which is what I’m going to share with you.

RELATING TO A TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE

I had read all the articles on potty training, bought all the things (M&Ms for rewards, a potty, a toilet insert, underwear, apple juice—to promote lots of fluid-drinking—, and flushable wipes—which I really didn’t need to buy now that I’m thinking about it—), ask a few moms about what they did and how it went for them, and I set aside three days where nothing was scheduled, so that Rhoda and I could be totally focused on this potty training thing.

The first three days were simultaneously like heaven and hell. Hell, because I turned into this constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated, rage monster drinking way too much coffee, producing little to no breastmilk to feed my other child who wasn’t being potty-trained, dropping a lot of F-bombs (I know), and crying a lot, and Rhoda was crying a lot, and Trinity was crying a lot, and Jake was never home because the Army; I hadn’t anticipated the wear of the constant demand that is potty training. Heaven, because despite all of that, Rhoda handled it like a champ. She now knows how to tell me when she needs to go to the bathroom, she isn’t so traumatized that she doesn’t want to go potty (praise God…), and she is diaper-free and her happy, joyful, wonderful self. Oh, and she loves M&Ms 😛

I feel like this experience exposed some serious sins that I’d been “managing.” The image that keeps coming to mind is a tube of toothpaste when it’s opened and squeezed until the paste comes out. Well, I was the tube, God via circumstances was the one squeezing, and the rage, anxiety, discontentment, resentment, even depression was the paste.

So, what did God do with all of this super uncomfortable exposing of myself? Several glorious things, actually.

1. He reminded me that He comes closer when I feel farther away.

Before I started potty training Rhoda, I had been wondering, concerning an experienced described to me by a friend, if it was possible for the Holy Spirit to leave someone, after they’d already received Him in conversion. More specifically, I was prayerfully considering (and biblically considering) if it was possible to offend the Spirit so thoroughly by my sin that He would leave me for a while to make me feel the weight of loneliness wrought by sin.

And then the next two weeks were full of, as I described above, me feeling very offensive to God, not acting like Jesus at all, and, frankly, telling God He sucked and I hated Him.

And yet, every time I lashed out in hot anger, or broke down sobbing and screaming at the ceiling, every time I tore down Jake or gluttonously scarfed food for comfort, I experienced a flood of Scripture into my mind (especially Psalm 118:24, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, Philippians 2:3-4, Matthew 20:28, James 1:19-20, Isaiah 41:13, and Romans 5:3-6), the conviction of “this isn’t right,” as well as the comfort of “but it’s okay, because you’re paid for.” These are all actions only the Spirit can do:

“And when He (the Holy Spirit) comes, He will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment: concerning sin, because they do not believe in Me; concerning righteousness, because I go to the Father, and you will see Me no longer; concerning judgment, because the ruler of this world is judged…When the Spirit of truth comes, He will guide you into all the truth, for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak, and He will declare to you the things that are to come. He will glorify Me, for He will take what is Mine and declare it to you.” (John 16:8-11, 13-14)

Also, if my sin can so offend the Spirit that He leaves me, that implies I somehow have the power to be righteous enough to keep Him present, which means my fellowship with God is not dependent upon Jesus’ paying the penalty for my sin, but dependent upon my own works, which means God would be a sadistic psycho for having “sacrificed” His own Son to pay for my sins, when there was yet another way…And yet the Gospel is confirmed. There was no other way. Jesus’ death and resurrection was enough, and my sins are paid for, and so I am not offensive to the triune Godhead, and the Spirit will not leave.

Praise God.

2. He reminded me of the importance of extended, daily time with Him.

During the potty training, Rhoda and Trinity rarely napped at the same time, and they started getting up an hour earlier than usual, and the exhaustion of each day bled into the next. This left me getting up thirty minutes before they’re projected wake-up time, reading a chapter of the Bible and a chapter of a daily devotional, and getting ready, with no time to spare as I could hear the girls making the first “I’m awake” noises to commence the day. This was difficult, considering before potty training, when I’d had 1-2 hours of coinciding naps every day to sit with God, pray for an extended amount of time (which is like a counseling/therapy session for me), read several chapters, read the devotional, and even enjoy a hot cup of coffee.

The image that came to mind here was this: if I tried to eat just a cereal bar every day for my nourishment, I would be very skinny. In fact, I’d be emaciated. Even if it was a Cliff Bar, it still would not be able to sustain me for an extended period of time. Well, I went from spiritually eating three substantial meals a day, to eating that cereal bar. The effect has been noted.

Now, the girls are back to having a 1-2 hour coinciding nap, and so that block of time is back in my hands. And yet I felt challenged to get up before they do in the morning and spend time in the Word, spending more time in the Word later while they’re napping.

3. He did not create me dualistically.

We have a young officer who comes over to our house a lot who continuously brings up how our culture believes in dualism concerning the human body. It’s common to think that your spirit is one part of yourself, and your body is another part of yourself (this is part of the thinking behind transgenderism), and while they do sometimes affect one another, their majority exists separately from the other. But God did not create us this way. Our spirit and bodies are intertwined in ways that cannot be undone. There’s a lot more to say on this, but that’s the gist.

Why does this matter?

Well, I saw that I wasn’t drinking enough water, was drinking a crap ton of coffee and eating a lot of sugar, and this combination caused my milk supply to plummet, my spirit and body to become much more exhausted much quicker, and it fed the rage monster. After the first week of Rhoda’s potty training, I fasted for a day in which I drank Mother’s Milk Tea and water. My milk supply was stable and full, I was clear-headed and steady in my spirit and body, and I was convicted on how I’d been depending on caffeine and sugar to comfort my soul and invigorate my body, when these things were actually handicapping both.

That being said, I’m keeping track of my water a lot more, and I’m no longer drinking coffee every day, and definitely not multiple cups a day.

An Aside: My Time Besides Potty Training

So that was all God showed me through the process of potty training. But during that whole time, I was having a lot of conversations with unbelievers (or even believers who no longer spend time with other believers) about terrible experiences they’ve had with Christians. Other conversations included how Christianity is different from other religions that seem to produce similar people.

And what I realized is that doctrine is crucial.

“Doctrine” is a noun meaning “a principle or position or the body of principles in a branch of knowledge or system of belief.” When I refer to it, I’m thinking in this wording: “the core teachings of a faith.”

The reason doctrine is so important is because with any given religion, the doctrine of that religion will determine the potential human to be produced by it. So, when Christians don’t act like Jesus, it’s not because there’s a problem with Jesus, but because those claimers of Christianity are not acting according to the actual doctrine of their faith. The doctrine of Christianity should, taken to its logical end, produce compassionate, secure, wise, and confident people, capable of unparalleled love, hope, and forgiveness, able to rejoice in suffering and help others through it. But if it’s not taken to its logical end, it produces a rather sad lot of self-righteous, Bible cherry-pickers, of which I am the chief of sinners.

Apply this to most eastern religions that I know of (forgive my ignorance, for I do not know all there is to know about all of them), which emphasize the spiritual over the physical, claiming this body is broken and burdensome, then the logical end of this kind of doctrine is suicide. That may seem extreme, but it is true. If the spiritual is actually more important than the physical, then the logical end is to be rid of the physical experience entirely.

This is only one example.

And so, when I am looking at a religion, especially at my own, I ought to remember that the person before me might not be an accurate representation of their doctrine, and they do not represent every single person who is part of that religion.

“But what about pushing doctrine so far that you become big-headed on doctrine without actually acting it out?”

For Christianity, it’s important to note that part of that doctrine is to “Do nothing from selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others as being more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)

Also note, “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will blessed in his doing.” (James 1:22-25)

See also in James, “But someone will say, ‘You have faith and I have works.’ Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works. You believe that God is one; you do well. Even the demons believe—and shudder! Do you want to be shown, you foolish person, that faith apart from works is useless?…You see that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone. And in the same way was not also Rahab the prostitute justified by works when she received the messengers and sent them out by another way? For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead.” (2:18-20, 25-26)

Quick note for any confusion: Paul’s confirmation in Romans that we are justified by faith alone is talking about justification before God, eternally, forever. James declaration that we are justified by works and not by faith alone, is referring to our justification before man: God sees we are righteous by our faith, through Christ; people see we are righteous by the acting out of our faith in works.

But if this still happens, the production of this weird, Franken-Christian who’s all doctrine but no deeds, God has built into the Christian faith “checks,” namely those of prayer and fellowship. Prayer, and honest prayer (read Habakkuk, compare to the last chapter of Jonah), is an avenue through which the Spirit can counsel our hearts out of hypocrisy, out of knowing a lot about God without actually knowing Him at all. And He can expose the incorrect things we believe about people, about the triune God, about the Bible, and about the world and how it works. In addition to this, Christians around the Franken-Christian (again, if they’re trying to take their own doctrine to its logical end in their lives) can point out where the thinking is skewed, or where there’s hatred in place of love, deception in place of honesty, and pride in place of humility (read “Life Together” by Dietrich Bonhoeffer).

VICTORY IN JESUS

The conclusion of all these things is that, through potty training, God sifted out of me a spirit of anger to which I no longer feel bound, which I never thought would happen. A big way of being set free from it involved singing praise and worship music when I started to feel overwhelmed, and to remember Psalm 118:24, and, particularly in interacting with Rhoda and Trinity, James 1:19-20. Through the conversations with all the people, I have been reminded that the doctrine of Christianity is true and it’s what everyone right now is asking for in their lives, whether they call it that or not, and that I need to know it inside and out and actually act it out in my life in obedience to the Lord and Savior I say I follow, to whom I belong.

Walking the Line

I have observed that our lives are comprised of “lines between,” and what I mean by this is that we live in a constant state of trying to find the line between the extremes, neither of which are ideal, and walk that line like it’s a tight rope.

What made me see this is when I finished a book called “Hearts of Fire: Eight Women in the Underground Church and Their Stories of Costly Faith,” published by Voice of the Martyrs. The book is about exactly what the title explains: women who paid dearly for their faith in countries hostile to Christianity. When I finished the book, all I could think of was what a coward I’d been concerning ministry here at Fort Benning, and concerning the growing pains Jake and I have experienced since coming here.

Since finishing the book, when facing moments of discomfort, like when I’m tired, or I feel overwhelmed, or wounded in some way, or denied something I felt I deserved, I think back to the accounts of these women.

“If Ling could be put in a Chinese thumb clamp, refusing to deny her faith or give away the locations of other Christians until she passed out from the pain, then I can stay awake and read my Bible.”

“If Purnima could sleep on the damp cement floors of a prison for more than a year for her faith, then I can stop complaining about it being too warm in our room at night.”

“If Mai traveled through the jungles of Vietnam, getting into bike accidents, being smothered by mosquitoes, and being beaten if a Bible was found on her, all for the sake of reaching out to people who desperately desired to just hold a Bible in their hands, then I can go to a play date to take an opportunity to share the hope that is in me, all done in an air-conditioned house with my children around me and a cup of coffee in my hands.”

“If Adel watched her son be slaughtered and her daughter circumcised by their Muslim captors and still held fast to Christ, then I can cuddle up with Rhoda for an hour and read all of her books to her. How terrible will it be if she dies because we’re Christians, and I couldn’t take the time to act out the love of Christ toward her.”

“If Adel used Philippians 4:13 to give her hope and strength as she was forced to marry an abusive Muslim man and become pregnant with his child, even though she was already married to a Christian husband from whom she was separated, then I can depend on Philippians 4:13 to give me strength to push past my introverted limits for an afternoon of fellowshipping with other believers in our home.”

“If Ling stepped out into lands unknown to her in China, preaching the gospel and seeing that it’s true, the harvest is plentiful (Luke 10:2), then it’s true that the harvest is plentiful here, in the land where I do not have to fear being arrested, beaten, raped, and so on for my faith, and all I have to fear is a raised eyebrow. I should not be so hesitant to share the gospel and ask hard questions and give until I have nothing left.”

And this thought process has sparked a flame of gratefulness and spiritual hardiness that I’ve long forgotten in my relationship with Jesus and in the working out of my salvation.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE “LINE”?

Glad you asked!

As I started thinking this way, as in, putting my present circumstances in perspective by comparing them to the suffering of others, this phrase came to mind:

“Hunter, you can’t compare your suffering with the suffering of others; what you experience as suffering is still suffering, and your experience is still valid.”

When I first heard this (from where, I don’t remember) several years ago, I really needed to hear it, because instead of dealing with my own suffering and taking it to God as suffering, I was comparing my experience to others and just stuffing it down…which I don’t think is biblical.

But I think leaning on this phrase has pushed me in the opposite extreme (see that? crossing the line?) where I’m now ungrateful, easily overwhelmed and anxious, instead of able to step back and think, “wait a second…this is not that hard.”

But how do I stay in the middle? Because, I have found it super helpful recently to compare what I consider hard to the hard experiences of these suffering women, and yet I remember the unhealthy practice of not truly dealing with the things that were actually difficult for me.

After thinking about it a lot, I think the line is gratefulness.

For example, I’ve recently noticed that something is wrong with my left knee (it’s become swollen and stiff, probably from overuse). Instead of going to the one extreme of “Hunter, this isn’t that hard, so you should just deal with it,” or to the other of “The world is ending and it’s okay that I feel like the world is ending because my experience is valid,” I can say, “Praise God that I live in a country where I can receive a medical exam and prescribed antibiotics if that’s what’s necessary. Thank You, Lord, for the fact that I can call a doctor right now, make an appointment, and be seen, instead of living in a country where I have no access to healthcare whatsoever.” And then be in prayer for people, like the women I’d read about, who don’t have access to those things.

BUT WHY BE GRATEFUL? AND WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU ARE ACTUALLY SUFFERING?

Right…

There’s this nifty passage in Romans 5 (just read all of Romans, really; it’s great stuff) that lays out exactly why we ought to be thankful:

“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5)

We are supposed to expect suffering in life whether we follow Jesus or not. It’s part of being human in a fallen world that’s cursed by sin. But! We are especially supposed to expect it as followers of Jesus, because God desires to produce in us through the transforming power of the Holy Spirit endurance, character, and, above all, hope, that rightly understands God’s love poured into our hearts through the Spirit. And the description of “rejoicing” in our sufferings, implies a thankfulness for that suffering, because of the fruit of it, all the good things that come out of those that are bad. And I’m thankful that Paul seems to clarify that it’s not thankful for the bad thing, but rather the redemption of the bad thing (suffering) by its producing good things in us.

Here, have my brain.

But when I am really suffering, it seems, according to verses like Psalm 62:8 and Philippians 4:6-8, I ought to, once again, bring it to God fully thankful and fully vulnerable. Which, of course, how do you tell when you’re really suffering? What does that even mean?

Functionally, it’s never my actual circumstances, and always internal: it’s whenever I can’t see the other side of something that’s overwhelming me. For example, Jake just finished what’s called the “Red Phase” of basic training, and if you read some of the posts I wrote when we went through his first Red Phase, you’ll remember I was a bit of a mess…It kind of feels like he’s deployed, and while I only had Rhoda in the first Red Phase, I now have an older Rhoda and Trinity, and let me tell you, having two under two is awesome, but definitely harder than I expected. And so this past Red Phase has left me feeling lonely, exhausted, and abandoned, even though it’s just part of the job, and Jake and I have worked through it before, and it’s been fruitful. But in the midst of it, when the days are exceptionally long, it can get pretty dark in this brain of mine. And I can’t see the end of it all; I literally think, “this is how it will always be, and I will never have any joy ever again.”

Good golly gumdrops, woman! Of course you’ll have joy again. It’s just one day. But how do I have joy even in that moment of what feels like joylessness, instead of having joy just in hindsight? By taking the experience of what feels like suffering directly to the throne of God “with prayer, petition, and thanksgiving,” part of that thankfulness being whatever “endurance…character…hope” that the Holy Spirit is growing in me, and accepting “peace, which surpasses all understanding, and will guard your hearts and mind in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-8) Also, deliberating naming and thinking on whatever is good, pure, just, true, lovely, honorable, etc.

I see this, again, in the women I read about in “Hearts on Fire,” and if it’s possible for God’s Word and the power of His Holy Spirit living in believers to give someone joy when their children are slaughtered and abused, when their husbands are killed, when they’re unjustly beaten or sent to labor camps, or they lose their jobs for their faith, then the same Holy Spirit in me can accomplish the same things here where I am, and help me, bringing it all back around, to walk the lines.

 

 

 

 

The Joy of Labor

During the first Sunday of the month, I was traveling from Fort Bragg back to Fort Benning, and therefore did not blog on that day. But behold, here I am to blog, albeit a day late  😛

Much has happened since I last blogged, and much is starting to happen. A few of our neighbors PCSed, some of our close friends will be PCSing within the next few months; Jake just got promoted to a new rank, which brings different responsibilities and expectations; Trinity is starting to crawl! And Rhoda is getting older every day. All of the men Jake will be working with in his new unit (did I mention he moved to a completely new unit?) are all also new to the unit, which means all of these drill sergeants are new to each other. A new basic training cycle starts next week, which means new trainees. There are also new people moving into the houses left by our moving neighbors, and new officers coming from West Point and elsewhere to go through the officer version of basic training, and link up with OCF (Officer Christian Fellowship), which is the Christian organization here at Fort Benning with which Jake and I have been partnering for ministry.

Whew.

There’s a lot of “new,” happening, which is sad, but at the same time God is using it to renew my own vision for the mission He has for me and Jake as we’re in the military.

IN THE WAKE OF DELIVERY

Since just before Trinity was born up until now, I’d been feeling sad all the time. That sounds rather pitiful, but what I mean is that, while I of course laughed and smiled and enjoyed some things, there was always this undercurrent of despair running through my emotional wavelength. It resulted in several episodes of sleeplessness, anger, attacks of overwhelming anxiety, and fatigue. Another thing, amidst these, was that I stopped looking forward to things in general, even though some things I used to enjoy continued to happen (date nights, writing, baking, hanging out with friends, etc.), and instead felt the desire to sleep all the time, and maybe even never wake up.

Things are better now: I’ve stopped feeling sad all the time, instead experiencing “moods” of despair and then snapping out of them soon after they begin, but I’ve continued to struggle with looking forward to anything, as if my future were a blank slate, empty and without promise, and I had no direction or concept of hope.

And of course the whole time it’s like, “Hunter, you have Jesus. You have the only true hope!” And praise God this is true! I mean to say that while I understood this fully with my mind and my will, my emotions were not following.

THE TURNAROUND

This past weekend I visited my sister-in-law and her husband at Fort Bragg, NC, and a conversation with our mutual friend who’s living with them made me realize how much work there is to be done for the Kingdom of God, namely because everything is so new, and how much there is to look forward to in that respect.

“And Jesus came and said to them, ‘All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to Me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey all that I have commanded you. And I will be with you always, even to the end of the age.'” (Matthew 28:18-20)

“And He said to them, ‘The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest.'” (Luke 10:2)

These charges, among many others in both the Gospels and the Epistles, imply that there’s much spiritual work to be done in the Kingdom of God. The context certainly shows it, even, as the disciples return to Jesus after doing this “work” for many days (see Luke 10:3-12, 17-20). I believe these charges did not just apply to the disciples, but also to modern-day believers.

I do believe we are to go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Triune God, and teaching them to obey Him. And so, with that in mind, and with the desire to continually know God and Jesus Christ whom He sent, which is eternal life (John 17:3), there is a TON of work to do for Christians in this world.

What kind of work? Well, I’m glad you asked! 😛

There are principles laid out in Scripture that show us what work is to be done for the Kingdom. I’m not going to name all of them, but rather name the ones Jake and I see clearly before us as we head into this new season of life.

EVANGELISM

This is so broad…Other words you might be more familiar with that communicate this idea are witnessing, preaching the gospel, sharing the good news, winning converts, so on and so forth. The point is, it’s the process of being a tool for God to transfer people “out of the domain of darkness and into the kingdom of the Son of His love.” (Colossians 1:13). This is not me and Jake winning people to Christ, but rather it’s being available to God to work through us to accomplish the work He desires to do in the lives of people opposed to Jesus. This is the ministry we mostly experience with Jake’s coworkers and their wives, and with our neighbors.

What does this look like for us? It looks like baking a lot of things and taking them to our neighbors and learning about them through the ensuing conversations. It looks like inviting them over to our house a lot and responding to invitations to their homes. It looks like serving them at every possible opportunity (offering to pick up groceries, watching their kids, etc.), just to name a few. All the while, sharing Jesus not only in word or talk, but in action and in truth (1 John 3:18).

LIFE-ON-LIFE DISCIPLESHIP

This is unfortunately limited. The reason it’s limited is because I don’t see life-on-life discipleship being really life-on-life unless you’re actually living with the person. I know that sounds weird, but it’s what Jesus did with the Twelve. He chose them that they might be with Him, and He with them, and that they might be sent out to preach (Mark 3:14) and for three years, it was Jesus and those disciples, all day every day. That is some serious life-on-life discipleship.

Since it’s unlikely at this point for someone to be living with me and Jake, what discipleship looks like is spending as much time with believers as possible, and, with a few exceptions, accepting every request from others to spend time with us. It looks like teaching/counseling them on how to pray, how to read the Word and apply it to their lives, how to wrestle with God over lordship decisions in their lives (think, “Will I decide to follow God in this area, or follow my own desires?” and “There’s this sticky area of my life, and I don’t know God’s will for it…How do I figure this out?”), how to fellowship, and how to share the Gospel with the people in their spheres of influence (or, the people they spend most of their time with, whether it’s their family, their coworkers, etc.). Oh, and prayer…both with those people, and without them, during my and Jake’s personal devotions, during our time together, during car rides, as often as possible. And finally, hopefully, training up these same believers to make disciples of Jesus wherever they go, that those disciples might also make disciples, and so on through generations to come.

^“For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:4-5)

LAUNCHING

I see this as more specific to where me and Jake are right now. People don’t stay at Fort Benning for long, and so we trust God to help us be stewards of the faith of people around us, give as much to them as we can (whatever He asks us to give to them), and then prepare them for their next duty station. What does it look like to prepare people for this? Well, everything is a journey with God, right? Right now, it looks like connecting them with fellowship (we know strong Christians at a lot of different military posts, and so using our resources that way), making sure they know how to “feed” themselves (meaning they know how to go to God’s Word for guidance and comfort and apply it to their lives, and how to pray and draw from the well of life He offers them), and praying over them a lot, since PCSing can be scary, especially when you’re new to the army.

The reason I’ve described all of this is to share what God is encouraging me with. Laboring for God’s Kingdom is the most satisfying and fulfilling thing I’ve ever done in my life, and so to realize that there’s so much of that labor to be done, is very exciting.  He deeply loves the people around me, and I am missing out on seeing them be set free by that love if I am not responding to His call to labor in His harvest. There are hours upon hours to be spent in prayer and in the Word, hours of conversations to be had with other people, things to wrestle over with God, things to cook and bake, there’s Jake to partner with and follow, there’s Rhoda and Trinity to bring alongside us, and there’s an entire treasury of God’s character and love waiting for me through laboring for Him.

Ah, yes. There’s much to look forward to 🙂

 

 

Invited to be a Fly

Well, it’s the first Sunday of the month, so here I am.

Today, Jake had a zoom call with a bunch of godly guys from Fort Bragg in which they’re working through the book “The Master Plan of Evangelism” by Robert E. Coleman. The book itself is an attempt at setting a vision for the future of the ministry of discipleship with which Jesus charged the eleven disciples, specifically by looking as Jesus’ own method of discipleship, i.e. His master plan of evangelism.

Also, Jake has lately been taking the girls in the morning and encouraging me to disappear to the study upstairs to have some alone time with God (you guys, my husband is so awesome…gosh, he’s the best). It has been so rejuvenating to my soul. I normally get my quiet time if and when the girls’ naps coincide in the afternoon (Rhoda only takes an afternoon nap right now), and when they don’t coincide, I get at least twenty minutes while Trinity sits in her bouncer next to me, or when Trinity is napping and Rhoda is contentedly playing with her toys…Other days it happens at night, or it doesn’t happen at all. This morning, after the “Master Plan” zoom call ended, Jake took the girls and I went upstairs to have this time with God. Again, getting alone time with God when the day just begins, and when I know the girls are entirely taken care of is so wonderful. I’ve been reading through Matthew…I feel like I just need to drink deeply from the well of the Word, and I feel the urge to read it a lot lately, and to thoroughly know what it says.

Random tangent from the retelling of the course of the day: One of the things Jake and I are talking about right now is what to do for Sunday mornings. Jake and I have this tendency to overextend ourselves: we want to be a part of everything, do everything, and volunteer for more than we have time for. This usually results in some kind of burnout, so then we’ll take a few days (or something) off and recover…But this doesn’t seem to be a healthy way of doing ministry. Also, with Jake returning to his normal Drill Sergeant schedule soon (it’s been all out of whack because of the pandemic), knowing how to maximize the little time we will have together, both to minister and to rest, seems really important. And so we’re trying to figure out what is most important and what God is actually trying to accomplish in our lives: is biblical fellowship what we’re participating in on Sunday mornings by attending a church service, or are we supposed to pursue fellowship that might look different? What is biblical fellowship? Does it have to be Sunday mornings? If we desire to pursue God’s calling on our lives concerning the discipleship of others, how do we best do that? What does it look like for our family to do that? How do we respect His desire for us to rest as well? Does rest mean physical rest? Or does it mean something else? Does it just mean resting in Him while still running around everywhere? Or some combination of all these things? I’ll let you know when we arrive at any conclusions to these ponderings.

After my time with the Lord this morning, Jake and I prepared for our weekly fellowship lunch that we host at our house for anyone who wants to come. Before all the church buildings closed for the pandemic, we’d planned it for after church. And so we’ve kept it at that time…so I guess now people come after watching a live stream service? Anyway, my friend and her kids came, along with three officers who are here at Fort Benning for training. The officers in particular stayed until the girls’ bedtime: Jake and I have been praying that people would feel comfortable enough in our home to stay as long as they want, and to help themselves to the space, and I feel like God is both answering that prayer as well as providing the stamina and security for us to live up to the request, i.e., He gives my shockingly introverted (because I always thought I was extroverted) self the ability to not be drained after an entire day of being around groups of people. During the Sunday lunch time, which eventually bleed over into dinner time, we talked about biblical self-defense, racism, spiritual gifts, the credibility of the Bible, how other major world-religions came into being; we shared testimonies, played Dungeons & Dragons, ate food, drank coffee, told really bad jokes, and just had a wonderful time.

Once everyone left, Jake and I moved Trinity out of our room and into Rhoda’s room, which they’ll be sharing for the foreseeable future. This is a big deal, you guys. Rhoda’s never shared a room with anyone but adults, most of the time sharing a room with no one. And now, she’s sharing a room with an albeit chill infant…As I’m writing, they’re both sleeping, so I’d say it’s a win thus far.

One of the things that happened to me a day or two ago, specifically concerning being a mom, is the experience of discontentment, which, honestly, I hadn’t experienced concerning motherhood up to this point. There were these thoughts of “If I weren’t a mom, I could do….”, “If I didn’t breastfeed, I could be doing…” “If I didn’t have kids, I would be able to…” And those thoughts terrify me. Discontentment is poisonous, and I’ve seen its effects, both in my own life and in the lives of the people around me, and if I’m discontent concerning the people with whom I spend every day, then it’ll seem like everything outside of those people is better…I’m not making any sense. What I’m trying to say is that those thoughts started creeping in, and as overwhelming as they felt in the moment, I combated them only with “I feel like God doesn’t want me to think that way…” By His grace, in my quiet time the day after I experienced those first thoughts, I read this:

“At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, ‘Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?’ And calling to Him a child, He put him in the midst of them, and said, ‘Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.'” (Matthew 18:1-4)

This screamed to me, “Hunter, you are going to seriously miss out on God’s work in your heart during this phase of life if you are swallowed up by discontentment. He’s given you these children to change you, to teach you, and even to comfort you. You need to be like them in order to know how to be like Him. Praise God you have them as a living example of what it means to humble yourself like a child.” And this broke the spell of discontentment starting to mystify my feelings. And praise God in His grace toward me, concerning Jake’s pursuit of encouraging me to get alone time to write and read and spend time with the Lord, and concerning some of my girlfriends literally inserting themselves into my daily life to take the girls and encourage me to be a normal adult.

And so God’s grace prevails, and the fullness of grace and truth in Christ permeates my daily life despite myself. He is so gracious, and so loving, and so powerful, and just, so, good. And He loves you.

“He told them another parable. ‘The kingdom of heaven is like leaven that a woman took and hid in three measures of flour, till it was all leavened.” (Matthew 13:33)

 

 

One Woman’s Trash is the Same Woman’s Treasure

Before I get into what I’m planning on getting into, I need to give you a picture, not because it’s anything spectacular or unique, but just because I never quite thought this would be the snapshot of my adult life:

In the middle of the day, you can walk through the house, and see several chores half-completed. There are myriad piles of clean dishes (taken out from the dishwasher but not put away), of dirty dishes that need to be loaded into the now empty dishwasher, and a separate pile of dishes that aren’t quite clean but will be used again. There’s meat or a bagged freezer meal thawing in the sink. There’s a basket full of laundry in the living room, with a couple short piles of folded laundry lined up on the floor. There are shoes everywhere. Books everywhere. There are a few dirty bottles placed throughout the first floor, probably at least one upstairs in our bedroom, and burp cloths are scattered on various surfaces, or, better yet, there are no burp cloths to be found anywhere and that’s why all of the chores are half-done; because Trinity spat up everything she ate all over me, as I was defenseless. Jake is either home, or he’s not (Army work is a bit weird presently, and we’re not sure what his schedule really is…schedules are an illusion). I’m not ever really sure when either of the girls will get up in the morning, or when they’ll nap, or when they’ll go to bed at night. I have a fear of planning things since I’m not sure about what the day will hold, if I’ll produce enough breast milk (sorry if it’s TMI; this is life now) to feed Trinity that day, if Rhoda will be cooperative or obstinate, if I’ll have boundless energy or feel totally depleted…Basically, nothing (except Jesus) is certain except for Trinity and Rhoda’s need to be fed and changed.

I write and read and reconnect with Jake after the girls go to bed. I do my devotions either early in the morning before the girls wake up, or a few minutes at a time while Rhoda plays outside, or during the time when their naps coincide. I shower at night or when Jake is home. I try to walk/run at least four or five days a week with the girls strapped into the double jogging stroller. I don’t usually make the bed in the morning anymore; all of the closets are generally organized and yet somehow still a mess; I stub both toes at least once a day; I don’t drink enough water, and I definitely drink too much coffee.

Now that you have a picture of life at present, I can write. And I have been able to, write, that is. That writing calendar I mentioned in my last blog post? With the exception of two days, I’ve been able to complete every task this past month…Which is pretty amazing considering the picture I’ve just described to you, isn’t it? It helps that Jake asks me almost every day what writing task I’m supposed to complete, and then he usually helps me complete it by asking me questions, giving me space to focus, or just being a sounding board for ideas. And in all of this writing, which I thought would be a total waste of time and not spiritually productive at all, God has reminded me of the most foundational truths of my faith.

THE TRINITY

With this novel I’m writing—affectionately called “Douglas’s Adventure Story” because I haven’t figured out a real title yet and placeholders are my strange addiction—I’ve had to “research” the concept of the Trinity a lot. Not to understand it (nobody has been able to do that, and all attempts at rationalizing it have fallen short of its actuality) but just to know what’s been said about it. And don’t worry, I have already noticed that my daughter born this year is named after the Trinity, just as God is choosing to push this topic to the center stage of my heart and mind.

When I say the Trinity, I mean the idea that God the Father, Christ the Son, and the Holy Spirit are simultaneously the same and distinct, all living in perfect fellowship with one another. This is an accidental allegory (can’t explain now, just work with me) surfacing in Douglas’s Adventure Story, which necessitates that I put effort into learning as much about it as I can.

FATHER, FIRST

“What was God doing before Creation?” This can be an uncomfortable question, but when I’ve heard it in the past, I’ve merely shrugged my shoulders and said, “Guess we’ll never know!” But, ah, we do know! If the doctrine of the Trinity is true, which it is, then God, before Creation, was being a Father and perfectly loving the Son, and the Son was loving Him in return, and the Holy Spirit expressing the perfection of that fellowship (I’m not sure how to better describe what I’ve been learning…). What I’m trying to say, is that I’ve thought of God as Creator, as Judge, as Jealous, as gracious, even as Father…but I’ve never thought of Him as Father first. Before anything and everything else happened, He was Father.

The way this is connected to writing this novel is that there’s a girl whose father is allegorically God the Father. This led me to wonder, “Okay, so what is our relationship with the Father supposed to be like, from His perspective? What does this father want out of his relationship with his daughter, like, what does he want for her? What is he like?”

Now, how exactly have I not already figured this out from being a Christian for almost twelve years now? I’m glad you asked. Because, frankly, I wasn’t quite getting God’s identity as Father, since He won me to Him through His identity as lover, friend, and counselor first. It was what I needed, what I was ready for; and now, it seems I’m ready for this. (I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to write out what I’m thinking).

Anyway, as I was meditating on what it meant for God to be Father above anything else, I realized that I was seeing and treating Him incorrectly, and so I have started to see where I’ve been missing out on whole levels of a relationship with Him because I didn’t have this truth in mind.

How is my identity different than I thought it was in light of this truth? What does it mean for God to be my Father?

CHRIST, BROTHER?

The aforementioned girl in Douglas’s Adventure Story has a brother, who is allegorically Jesus Christ the Son of God. And so this relationship led me to think about the implications of our being God’s children and Jesus Christ already being God’s Son…logically, we are siblings. And yet not on the same level, because Jesus was perfect and able to save us when we were thoroughly unable to save ourselves, and yet we are on the same level because He literally brought Himself down to our level, and we’re called fellow heirs with Christ (Hebrews 2, Romans 8:12-17)…So I’m having to think through all of the implications of this reality…I’ve been mostly in the first six chapters of Hebrews.

What does it mean that Christ is my brother? And how does this jive with His also being both my Lord and Savior?

SO….WHAT?

So…I have a bunch of new things to be thinking about, and lots of answered questions, and lots of questions to which I’ve yet to find answers…But already I’m seeing that writing is not a waste of time; it’s encouraged me to pray about what I’m wondering in building the world and plot line for Douglas’s Adventure Story, and sent me running to Scripture and other believers with my questions and my findings.

“….that which we have seen and heard we proclaim also to you, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ. And we are writing these things so that our joy may be complete.” (1 John 1:3-4)