I almost lost it today.
The combination of exhaustion, stress, hunger, and physical discomfort is a deadly one, and I happened to be a victim of this condition today. It was hot and humid; I had eaten a rushed sugary breakfast because I woke up late because I didn’t get to sleep until three in the morning again; Critical Thinking & Writing class was making me frustrated. And the worst part of all of this is I met someone who has the same personality as me….which means we automatically disliked each other.
Sitting in Critical Thinking & Writing class, we were put into three groups to accomplish three tasks based on the story we were examining. My group had the task of summarizing the second half of the story and then posing questions that we would like to be answered. Some of our questions were “Is this guy really growing a fin?,” “Is the German shepherd really the psychic’s husband?,” and “what caused the seizure?” My brain was going haywire and growing cynical; Satan was messing with me.
“Hunter, why don’t you just stand up in the middle of the room and yell about how stupid this whole operation is? Who cares about this guy; you know the main character is nuts and you think self-help is redundant. Just tell everyone how you feel. Do it.”
Before I could even find a scripture reference to fight him off, the girl who mirrored my old personality (I say old because I was like her before I was saved) was talking about how the main character reflected everyone; we all are wandering on this earth wondering what our purpose is in life, constantly wondering what we can do to change it. I impulsively asked her, “What if we’ve already found the answers to those questions?” She seemed surprised that I posed such an inquiry.
“Well then I’m glad for you. But those questions have crossed your mind at one point in time. For everyone there’s always a point where they either settle on being discontent with their lives and their search and realizing that there’s nothing they can do about it or they go insane with continuing to search.”
“Or they find the Truth.” I added. I knew I wasn’t being Spirit-led to say any of this, but I wanted to argue. I wanted to say what was on my heart, even though I knew it wasn’t the right time.
“There is no truth.” She replied as a teacher would reply to an insubordinate student. Before I could wield my own verbal sword, our professor interrupted us and called our attention to the front. As we sat in discussion of our tasks and of the story, I let my adrenaline die down until I was level-headed enough to feel embarrassed about trying to go forward without God’s aid. I had lost my cool because my body and my brain were out of whack.
A few other God things happened today as well 🙂
About an hour before my last class started, I was talking to Charlene about how I hadn’t been able to type up the Bible Study homework for tonight because I was theologically stuck. She tried to answer my question but I could tell she was just as confused as I was. I had prayed to God about it last night and this morning, telling Him that the floor was open for Him to do something awesome.
I checked my Facebook out of habit and saw that I had a message. It was my Uncle Doug (he’s not actually my uncle, but I call him Uncle Doug). He’s who I usually go to for my theological questions for more than one reason; not only does he enjoy hard to answer theological questions (or questions that demand a complicated, well-thought out reply) but he’s a pastor and has the knowledge to be able to answer them accurately. It was a total God thing that he’d answered me just before my next class, i.e., just before Bible Study. I immediately sat down with my Bible to check his reply; it all made much more sense and I was able to write up the homework confidently.
The second night of Bible Study was refreshing. Only one girl was there, but that’s okay because we were able to encourage each other and continue studying the book of Exodus.
After Bible Study I went and worked out. Remember how I mentioned that it was hot and humid today? Well somehow that lovely sensation of fuzzy hair and sweat dripping down your face the moment you walk outside had infiltrated the doors of the gym, making the weight room feel like a sauna. After I had done cardio for about half an hour and was getting ready to do arms, I was already drenched in sweat. It was already 7:30PM, three and a half hours later than I usually worked out, and my body was feeling it.
I’ll be fine. I thought. It’s not like it’ll make a difference.I’m not that tired.
Yet after I had finished the most rigorous part of my workout, as I ran up and down the stairs, my eyes began to droop, my chest began to tighten, and my brain began to say “good night” to the rest of my body.
Once I went into the dance studio to enter into the second half of my workout, I laid down and nearly fell asleep. It took me a few minutes to convince myself that it was okay if I stopped, that I was going to hurt myself if I kept going, that I needed to go to sleep; if my dad had been there he would be standing over me asking if I had eaten enough (I hadn’t), if I had drank enough (I hadn’t done that either), and how I’d been sleeping (horribly). The imaginary lecture from wrestling coach father is what made me get up and walk back to my dorm. It was the looks of passersby that kept me awake on the walk.
I caught a glimpse of myself in a building window and saw that my shirt had been darkened to a deeper shade of gray from all of the sweat I had exerted during my workout; my hair was drenched and dripping, having the likeness of a wet towel hanging on a clothes line; my face was sanguine and flushed.
I looked awesome.
Once I was comfortable and in my dorm, no longer looking like I had just finished wrestling an alligator, a knock came at my door. I opened it to find Carly (a girl who lives on my floor) standing in front of me.
“Hey, are you going to the GEC thing tomorrow night at eight?” She asked.
“What is that?”
“It’s a Christian club thing.” She said excitedly. My heart lit up.
“Wow, I didn’t even know that was going on. Yeah I’d love to come.”
“Cool. I’m gonna be there and I was just wondering if you were.”
“Awesome! So you’re a Christian?” I asked eagerly.
“Yes I am.” She said proudly.
“Well hey, on Wednesday nights we have a Bible Study at six if you wanted to come.”
“Oh no way! I didn’t even know there was one going on. Thanks for telling me.”
We exchanged a few formalities and exclamations before saying good night. I closed the door and leaned up against it, amazed at how God had once again proven me wrong. Here I had myself dauntingly convinced that there were only three Christian girls on campus and there was one sitting right under my nose.
Looking back on today, I think it’s safe to say that God is in control. Even if today had turned up completely fruitless, God would still be in control. It’s so easy here in this environment, this wilderness, for me to become overwhelmed and for me to lose heart and to lose faith. But then God comes charging in on His white horse and saves His damsel in distress (that’s me, the idiot stuck in the tree).
God is so cool 🙂
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “plans for peace and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart.” -Jeremiah 29:11-13 (ESV)