You know that moment when you’re miserable but you can’t quite figure out the reason why? And then, at the end of the day, you realize what you’d been doing wrong and kick yourself for not seeing it sooner.
Lately my thoughts have been cynical, looking at all of the craziness and the absurdity that exists in the world around me. But I’m supposed to be looking for light! I kept telling myself that I was, partially believing it was there and then squelching my own optimism. It’s been kind of up and down ( I know, you’re shocked).
This afternoon when all of my classes were finished and I was back in my dorm room, I sat down at my desk to think.
What is wrong with me? Why am I so down?
Then I realized that I hadn’t had time or breathing room to take a few hours to just sit down and talk to God about everything. I’ve had little snippets in the morning and just before bed, but my soul was starving for something more substantial. No wonder I was so miserable; I couldn’t focus!
So I made myself some tea, opened my journal, and started writing. I talked to God about my day, about my opinions of my classes, about what I like about college, about my worries, and even about what I was planning on doing for the rest of the week. I repeated His promises and His truths back to Him and felt so much better when I sat back in my chair, my pen burnt out. It just felt so good.
God caught me and showed me my faulty thinking; I wasn’t seeing the good in anything, only the bad, truly believing that the bad was just so powerful that no good could possibly be found. I’m a doofus, but I’m a spiritually refreshed doofus whom God loves despite my doofusiness.
Today was really cool, actually 🙂 My World Literature class was a little odd; my professor was discussing Freudian theory concerning the Oepidal Complex and all of what that entails, in which I can see sense but I do not believe. Then my Critical Thinking and Writing class was much like a talent show (I know, a talent show at an art school sounds like World War 3 or choosing between the red and blue wire or Harriet and Emma competing for one man’s affection…okay, maybe not so much the last one, but you get the jist). We are studying a particular chapter St. Augustine’s Confessions and each of us were assigned a part of the chapter to summarize using different types of media. Some people made interpretive videos, some people wrote songs, I made a comic book. Everyone’s projects were really good and very skillfully and comically done; it was by far the most fun I’ve had in that class yet.
It was when I walked out of that class that I realized I was getting sick; my throat was all itchy and swollen and my ears hurt. But I shall prevail!!! After all, what’s funnier than listening to yourself all stuffed up? I know I sound pretty hilarious and rather pathetic. I am armed, however, with tissues, cough drops, hot coco, and all of my mother’s skill of sniffel-sword-play and sore-throat-survival that has been passed down to me.
Oh! I learned something really cool today. We have to read a section of the Dead Sea Scrolls for World Literature; the section specifically describes the battle of Armageddon and the happenings of Revelation (and I’m over here so totally excited because I love digging around in Revelation). Well, when I was reading the Dead Sea Scroll section and perusing the verses of Revelation, I stumbled upon something that I don’t think I ever caught before: in Revelation chapter 19, God is depicted as a rider on a white horse. The specifics of His apparel and physique are hard to imagine, but are majestic and amazing nonetheless. The reason why this is so cosmic to me is because, in my mind, I see God as this Knight riding in on a valiant stead, coming to save me, the damsel in constant distress. I merely attributed this imagery to the Disney version of heroes and princes and knights coming to the rescue of the woman they love…I had no idea that God was the original Rider of the White Horse, and all of the princes to follow Him were merely wannabes.
It was an awesome moment 🙂
God has rescued us countless times…I’m sure we can name quite a few, but what about all of those times that we don’t know about? God is constantly working behind the scenes, protecting us, taking care of us, ordaining things and occurrences so that everything goes according to His plan. I too often forget that God is working out His plan for me as I mope and wander about feeling sorry for myself and wonder why on earth He’s put me here. And despite all of my opposition, He continues onward with His desire to use me for things that I can’t even imagine. Again, how glad I am that God is God, and I am not.