Sometimes I forget that I’m only nineteen as opposed to fifty.
Sometimes I forget that there’s something terribly wrong with the world.
Sometimes I forget that I’m completely broken.
Sometimes I forget that appearing humble usually isn’t the same as actually being humble.
Sometimes I forget that I don’t have it all together, and that there’s a reason God needed to save me.
Despite not really interacting with any living human beings, I had a mental breakdown today. The past week has been great…almost too great, if that makes any sense. This morning, when I was trying to focus on the passage I was reading, I realized something terrifying: I’ve grown accustomed to the sin that’s around me, to the sin that made me so on fire at the beginning of the semester. When someone swears, it almost doesn’t phase me. When homosexuality is praised and seen as a great way of self-expression and freedom, I form words of protest in my head but remain silent. When someone says something degrading about God, I accept it as “just a part of life,” even though inside my heart is breaking.
Granted, there are certain times the Holy Spirit needs to lead me to speak rather than my arguing or debating or speaking up at every twist and turn. God has a plan and I need to be sensitive to how He wants me to follow it. But I can’t stand the fact that I’ve become used to it…
But at the same time, it does help me see past that sin and look at the broken people beneath it, everyone who’s searching for answers. But when I become used to it, then the sin becomes all but invisible, and I begin to wonder why I need to tell people about God in the first place.
I was really struggling from the time I woke up and onward. I spent most of the day trying to finish up final projects and study but actually just venting to God, crying to Him, wondering why He wasn’t listening to me, even though I knew in my heart He was. I was angry about how nobody on campus, even those who claim to be Christian, seems to see Him as real. People say “oh, I love God,” or “yeah, God is awesome,” but do they know who they’re talking about? Do they realize the power and the awe-inspiring grace that characterizes this God they “love” so much? Do they know what love means anymore? Or is it just a term to apply to grilled cheese, Chanel perfume, and celebrities? Love feels like a game when I listen to how some of the people around me describe it, how people in my major write about it, how girls and boys see it…it’s a word or a feeling…it’s sweet nothings whispered in the back of a car; it’s flowers in exchange for physical contact; it’s conditional; it’s hateful; it’s irrational; it’s anything you want it to be; it’s non-committal; it’s fleeting.
Love is no longer love, at least not according to humanity.
This is part of what was messing with me today. I realize how ridiculously intense and reflective this all sounds, but when you’ve experienced real love, you can’t help but wonder why anyone could accept anything less. I’m sitting on my dorm floor as I’m thinking about all of this, and I have to wonder if I’ve failed, if I’ve misrepresented God in some way through my callousness towards the sin of others, through my indifference to their irreverence for God. I also wonder if I haven’t done the same thing; have I become calloused towards God? Have I been running on the fumes of compliments and encouragement from others, people who read this blog, my own successes? Yes I have, at least in part.
I’ve forgotten the terrible place that God pulled me out of, even though I had no desire to be rescued. I’ve forgotten how strong He is and how undeserving I am to be called His. I’ve forgotten that, unlike the “love” society describes, God is not whatever I want Him to be. I can’t just come up with whatever kind of God I need for each and every day. God is the same all day, every day. I can’t change Him, ever. He is infinite, and I am insignificant. How dare I think otherwise.
I’ve been feeling like I know God, that I’ve somehow unlocked a great secret that none of the rest of world has ever experienced. Oh I am so wrong. I’m only scraping the surface of God and everything He is. I’ve completely bypassed the glory of His word and subconsciously watered down talking to others about Him and His glory.
But, despite how fickle I am and how transient the world may be, love is still love. Just because I’ve forgotten what it is doesn’t mean it’s no longer itself. God’s love is still patient…otherwise He would have left me to be emotional on my own, to talk to myself, to be crazy. God’s love is still kind…if it weren’t, why would I be alive? God’s love is still without arrogance and envy. God’s love is still polite and forgiving. God’s love still fails to rejoice with sin, with ALL sin, from lying to homosexuality and from stealing to murder, but still is faithful in rejoicing with Truth. God’s love still bears all things, still believes all things, still hopes all things, and still endures. all. things.
God’s love is still going on, and it will continue on past the end of time.
Love is not a game. People sing about love like it’s this painful, abusive, sickly, violent thing, or they write about it like the moment you have sex you’re set with “the whole love thing.” They talk about love like it’s broken.
But love is NOT broken! People are broken…the very soil we walk on is broken. But love, God’s love, agape love, will NEVER break or be broken. I don’t care who says not to love “bad” people. God loves me. I am “bad.” God loved Paul. Paul was “bad.” God loved Matthew. Matthew was “bad.” I don’t care who says “just do whatever makes you happy.” Happiness is fleeting, temporary, only able to endure for a short while. I don’t care who says “if you’re nice to me then I’ll be nice to you.” That doesn’t make any sense! Whatever happened to being the better person, to deciding that you’re not going to wait for someone else to change but rather you’re going to move on anyway? Whatever happened to understanding that God is sovereign, that His word is true, that morality and love and purity have set-in-stone definitions and there is such a thing as black and white? I don’t care who thinks the Bible and the God it describes is subjective information. God is real. He’s more real than anything in our lives could ever be, and His love is more powerful than any weapon ever created.
I just feel like an idiot for falling under the spell of thinking everything around me is fine, that the world isn’t shattering in front of me, that “whatever floats your boat” is totally acceptable. I am not saying that “what I believe” is what everyone else should believe. It’s not about what I believe. It’s about what God says, who God is, and how He made the world to be. I’ve forgotten that I’m fighting an invisible war, that I’m a spiritual soldier signed up for God’s army, the one He’s using to save the ones He loves, even though they’re happy in captivity. No wonder our world is so broken…It’s absolutely refusing to let Someone come in and fix it, and it’s using cheap band-aids to keep it together.