I feel like whenever I wake up to a new day, I always have some concrete idea as to how the day should go. But more times than not the day never goes the way I plan. God always shows me that I need to be aware of Him in order to get through the day, regardless of whether it was good or bad.
This morning when I woke up, I found some notebook paper with a scene written on it. It was then I remembered my middle-of-the-night writing spasm. I had been tossing and turning and I couldn’t go to sleep, so I watched a movie. After the movie, I continued to try and fall asleep for thirty minutes more until I very dramatically ripped my covers away, fell clumsily to the floor, and, after gaining my balance, turning on my desk lamp and pulling out a pen and some paper.
Once I had completed the scene, I fell asleep immediately, my brain finally emptied. I think all writers have this kind of experience, feeling restless until their imagination has finally brought the surface of their mind what had been hidden. It’s very rare for that to be the case with me. When I’m restless, it’s more often than not because I’m worried about the future…
Which is what I was doing this morning.
Ever since my first Prattler class, I’ve felt this odd sense of authority over my own life, like it’s my duty to be competitive and success-oriented, like I should have a solid course of action for my life. And for a moments believed all of it, that is until the Holy Spirit kicked in and reminded me that my life is not my own.
No. This morning I was angry. Not at anything in particular, but I was angry. I was angry that I felt trapped, like I couldn’t even think of forming a plan because God already had one written for me, like my wants and desires and needs didn’t matter because my destiny was already set in stone, like my life was not my own. I didn’t want to follow; I wanted to lead.
But as I cried to God, asking Him why I had to conform to His plans rather than pursue my own, something clicked inside me, maybe not instantly, but it clicked.
God cares for me; He cares about my needs and my wants and my desires. For goodness’ sake He knows them better than anyone else in existence. He is completely aware of every inch of me, from my inner most thoughts to the grooves on my fingernails. He knows and comprehends without fail who I am and I what I want out of life.
But He also knows what’s best for me. It’s true: He has a plan for my life and it is a plan far greater than anything I could ever imagine, even though my emotions sometime keep me from believing so. But He has given me, because He loves me, a choice. I can certainly choose to pursue my own path, to lead my own life….or I can choose Him.
When this ran through my head I remembered why I’d been drawn to Jesus in the first place, why this relationship He offered me was so magnetic to my broken heart; He was and still is willing to lead me, to protect me, to inspire and grow me, to rescue me from time to time and to bless me beyond my comprehension. I had forgotten how to follow.
I think that’s the problem with a lot of people today. They’re so concerned with what rights they secure or what things they possess or what lifestyle they live that they have confused leading with following. They encourage women to be competitive and job-oriented in order that they can lead. They encourage men to play a role that was never meant for them. They encourage children to know more than they should at their age and to act, dress, and speak like adults before they can truly experience their own childhood. America, we need to remember how to follow, but more importantly, we need to remember how to follow the right Leader.
Am I talking about God? You bet I am. Do I think God can solve America’s current problems? Most certainly, but only if we get past ourselves and learn how to follow. There are so many conferences about how to lead and how to be a good leader. I’ve been to some of them, and at the fruitful ones I’ve attended, the leader is the one who knows best how to follow and who to follow and to do it wholeheartedly.
I need to remember how to follow. Besides, God totally knows what He’s doing where as I’m that stubborn person behind the wheel saying, “No side-seat driving; I know how to drive,” all the while knocking over caution cones, demolishing trash cans, and doing donuts in a park somewhere.
It’s funny: none of this really clicked in my head and in my heart until around lunch time when I was sitting in the cafeteria doing homework and sipping on orange juice. One of the girls from my major, who was also in my studio class last year, came over and talked to me for a while. Whenever we talk we always seem to talk about God, which I don’t mind. She had a lot of hard questions, some of which I didn’t have the answers to…in fact, I don’t think anybody has the answers to.
This reminded me that, even though my God is all-knowing, this does not mean that I have all the answers and, honestly, I never will. I was reminded of how limited my own understanding is and how being intellectual isn’t always the way out. The way out always seems to be the progression of a scene where I’ve fallen on my face (again) and I’m so insanely embarrassed and mortified that I can’t even look up for fear of the sun seeing me, and God reaching out His hand, asking me to trust Him again. And He rescues me, just like He can rescue everyone else, if only they would choose and accept Him…
Our talk was refreshing, and I had much to think about on my way to the church. I was spending the night at Jenny’s house and we were going to finish watching Roman Holiday with Audrey Hepburn. I was reading The Grace of God on the subway when I read exactly what I’d been thinking about all day. God’s plan, His expectations of me, His law, are not meant to be a trap for me, but rather an opportunity to experience maximum freedom: freedom from bondage, from fear, from Hell, from loneliness, from worry, from hopelessness. The only way for me not to be trapped is by choosing God.
I was reminded that choosing God’s plan over my own was an adventure, an escape from the mundanity of human life and from the uncertainty of the future, because only God has control over the future; I do not. I can’t see what’s going to happen; He can. So why on earth would I think my course of action would be better than His if I can’t see the hot lava in a valley when He can? Why would I have enough ignorance to be convinced that my plan is more beneficial to me than God’s, when I don’t know myself as intimately as He does? Why would I place my future in my own hands when they’re shaking from nervousness and anxiety? God’s hands are strong; He knows me better than I know myself; He knows what’s going to happen in the future and has control over future events. Hm. Who should I follow?
God: 2 Hunter: 0
I arrived at the church and Jenny and I went to the library to get the movie and a few others. She paid for my subway fare, which was so much of a blessing I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders when she let me know she would. We went to the Terrace Coffee Shop, which is the diner I went to with Antoinette. Jenny paid for my dinner and I was so grateful…God just really took care of me today.
While we were eating Rebecca came and joined us. We talked about everything and I was reminded of how young I was not only in my knowledge but also in my experience. While these two ladies are young, they have much more experience than I do. I sometimes forget that when we’re hanging out and spending time together.
Later on we all watched Roman Holiday and then Barefoot Contessa, two very old but very worth-watching movies. It was refreshing to spend time with them 🙂
Well, tomorrow is the Super Bowl and I will be spending it in my dorm possibly with Charlene as we slave away at our homework once more, but it’s okay 🙂 When I watch football, I have a general idea of what’s going on though, while I don’t want to sound like a simpleton, I still don’t quite get the whole “down” system of measurement or how a field goal comes about. Despite this, I always enjoy hanging out with friends, watching people yell at the television and get all sweaty, eating all sorts of yummy food, and just having a good time 🙂
Tomorrow will be a good day, no matter what happens I have to remember. Sometimes I forget that God makes every day and every day is therefore good. Every new day seems to be a luxury that I too often over look, much like light or oxygen. So tomorrow and every tomorrow after will be a good day, no matter what seemingly terrible things might happen, because God has made all of my tomorrows 🙂