Well, I’m home 🙂
Everything was bad. I was stuck. I was frustrated. Mom told me I should come home. So I did. For some idiotic reason I felt like I had to stay and get through the weeks leading up to spring break, whether I could handle it or not. I felt like, even though I know I can go home whenever I need to, I had to be an adult and be able to handle being on my own and not go home. Lesson of the Day: when everything you know gets distorted, go home.
So at one in the afternoon I took the subway to Penn Station. My train left at 3:40pm. While I was standing and waiting for my train, a woman came up and asked me for money. Before I could answer her, a police officer came up and told her, in a very deep and formidable voice, to have a good day. She said “thank you” quickly and then walked away. I thanked him for looking out for me and we spoke for a moment or two before he walked away. It was a strange experience.
I got on the train and tried to ignore all of the noise around me, tried to block everything out and bring myself back, since I hadn’t felt like myself in awhile. What is my problem? I thought.
As the ride wore on, I began to remember my Bible study from this morning. It was about the obstacle of pride. Pride was what was up, but I didn’t know how to get rid of it. I pulled out my journal and began to talk to God about it, and I grew frustrated with myself. Do you ever have those moments when you just get annoyed with yourself? That’s how I felt the whole train ride home.
I listened to music, did homework, slept, read, ate granola bars, and drank water. I tried to keep myself distracted. The train was supposed to arrive in Utica around 8:40pm, but an engine problem in Albany put us an hour behind. I wouldn’t get to Utica until ten.
As we waited for the engine to be fixed, I grew even more frustrated, until I sat back in my seat and thought: I have a home to go to. I have a God who loves me. God, please start the train. Please have Mom (who was the one picking me up and the only one other than Dad who knew I was coming) be patient and not freak out. Please give her something to do. Please bring me back.
Surely enough, the train started up and we moved on. When I got off the train and hugged my Mom I actually started to cry because I was so happy to see her. It was 10:30pm, which was obviously the perfect time to go get Applebee’s.
I told her everything that was on my mind…and when I was done, when we were on our way home, when it was nearly midnight, I finally figured out what my problem was and I felt like myself again.
Satan is messed up. He takes things that are supposed to be good and turns them into idols that replace God. He twists words and mixes priorities.
Everything has been hard. I have been struggling a lot. I haven’t done anything, but I have been struggling a lot. But the struggle wasn’t because of God, but because of me. I was getting in the way. God’s plan isn’t for me to be miserable! I mean, the plan for humanity does not revolve around my happiness, but God’s plan for me is not meant to make me miserable. It’s supposed to set me free 🙂 and I forgot that. I became so wrapped up in the technicalities of theology and trying to sound smart and to seem like I have it all together that I missed God. I miss just being with Him and not really worrying about anything else. What’s knowledge of the Bible without a relationship with the Author?
Gracie’s birthday party is tomorrow and she doesn’t know I’m here. That should be fun 🙂 But home is amazing. I never thought coming home would snap me back into place. God was really clever (I mean, He’s always clever, but you know) when He gave me my family. He knew I would need them to bring me back to Him, to put my focus back where it needs to be, to remind me that it’s okay to be vulnerable and weak and messy. It’s okay if I don’t have it all together. In fact, when I look at the gospels, it seems like it’s preferred.
I’m not perfect and I don’t have it all together. Right now, I’m struggling with a few things. This Bible study, Breaking Free; this growing up phase; this battle, is really, really difficult.
But you see, I would honestly much rather struggle against everything that people do and be with God than give in and not have to struggle with anything but be without Him.
“I don’t want to gain the whole world and lose my soul.” —Lose My Soul, Toby Mac