I stayed up until six in the morning and wrote until I couldn’t see straight.
I finished the beginnings of the short story. I was on a roll and had the genuine fear that if I stopped writing or went to sleep I would forget everything I wanted to write down. So I just went ahead and spent four or five hours making sure it was all perfect before the only words that computed were “sleep” and “pillow” and “toothpaste.”
This afternoon, when I woke up, I looked outside into the sun and was amazed to see people walking around in sweatshirts and jeans instead of heavy winter coats and boots.
I had a weird dream last night…in fact, I think it might’ve been the weirdest dream I’ve ever had (and that’s saying something because I’ve had some weird dreams). I sat and told God about it, laying it all out before Him. Out of this talk came a realization: I don’t have to worry about half the things I worry about. Some things that I worry about are so impossibly stupid that I often wonder how I made it through elementary school much less how I’m excelling in college. It’s just like, “Hunter, that is NEVER going to happen,” not only because it contradicts God’s will for my life but also because my personality wouldn’t allow it, not that I’m saying my personality is a determining factor, but, it kind of is. Also, because God loves me and is always watching out for me when I’m not, I’m surrounded by people who love me and wouldn’t let something like that (whatever it may be) happen to me, whether it be financial, relational, physical, or mental. Most of my worries involve choices, making the wrong one because my judgement is off or because I’ve walked away from God and I believe for one second I’m in control of my own life. That’s my biggest fear: “losing” God, and I say “losing” because I can never actually lose God. My salvation is secure and my life is His and His alone. But I always have this fear that I’m going to do something stupid, I’m going to believe something someone tells me and let it feed on my doubt or create new doubt within me.
But then I sit back and realize that I don’t actually believe that can happen, not because I’m some ultra-spiritual being who just can’t be swayed, but because I’ve seen way too much, felt way too much, and learned way too much to think otherwise. I know too much of God’s plan for me and too much of His character and His love for me to think any other way of life could possibly be better, even though I’m only scraping the surface. It’s kind of like Rose and The Doctor. Rose’s biggest fear aside from being separated from The Doctor was having to return to a normal, everyday life after traveling through time and space. It’s kind of like Frodo returning to the Shire after traveling across Middle Earth. It’s kind of like when a soldier is trying to adapt to civilian life after living in a war zone established in a foreign country for so long. When you return to that way of life, you realize you just can’t understand how you lived that way before learning what you learned, experiencing what you experienced, and feeling what you felt. That’s how it is for me with God. God is so ingrained in my brain and so stitched into every chamber of my heart and so part of me that I can’t imagine making a huge decision without Him, can’t imagine waking up without knowing He’s there and has been there through the night, can’t imagine using my journal for anything less than talking to Him.
After showering and making myself look like a normal human being, I forced myself to join the living and went to study in the cafeteria. The weather was so wonderful. I couldn’t help but smile as I walked across campus, feeling the sun on my face and the warmth of the air on my skin. I bought a deli sandwich for dinner and as I walked away from the cash register I dropped the sandwich and it fell on the floor. I sort of just stared at it for a moment or two, wondering why I was incapable of carrying a roast beef sandwich. I cleaned up the destroyed meal and went to get another. The deli lady was really nice and told me I didn’t have to pay for the second one.
I went and set myself up in a booth, working on everything until all of a sudden the cafeteria lights shut off. The cafeteria had closed and locked up while I was still in there. I gathered my books quickly and walked through the doors to the pizza shop, eventually returning to my dorm and working on my homework there.
And that is literally what I did for the rest of the evening. I studied and did homework and wrote and talked to God and listened to music. I also discovered two amazing things: Nutella and marshmallow fluff sandwiches, and Pop-Tart cereal (you just crush a pop-tart into a bowl and pour milk over it), and I feel like an idiot for not knowing about these beforehand. Of course, I also feel like I’ve created a new problem for myself by discovering these rather fattening meals…but I’ll think about that later…after a five mile run.
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” —2 Corinthians 1:3,4 ESV