Moms are great people. They really are. When you feel like you just don’t get something or something just doesn’t make sense, one sentence of maternal advice seems to clear it all up for you, and all the pieces fit together. Then there are those times when all you have to do is talk to them, just vent, and everything, even though they’ve said nothing, solves itself in the air.
I think when you deprive your body of sleep it eventually gets really ticked off at you and just decides to force you to listen to it. Well, the last however many days I haven’t been resting properly, staying up until the early hours of the morning and getting four to six hours of sleep every night, then going long days. This morning, instead of letting me get up when I needed to get up, my body was a dead weight, and my head was aching and my nose ran like a river. I told Bree I was going to stay and rest through World Literature, which, though I missed class, was probably a good move on my part. I was in pretty sorry shape.
Bible Study today was about broken hearts, how Jesus was sent to bind up the brokenhearted. I just want to pause for a moment. In Isaiah 61 describes why Jesus was sent to earth, and this description is so reassuring to me because sometimes I falsely imagine that God is who everyone else says He is, that He’s distant and that He sent Jesus because He had nothing better to do. Isaiah 61 tells the world otherwise, and reminds the world of God’s character.
“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me (Jesus), because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn” (Isaiah 61:1,2, ESV)
God sent Jesus to be a light in a world of darkness, to be open arms in a world of cold hearts, to be the Savior of a world that was so blind they didn’t even know they needed saving. God sent Jesus because He cares for us.
As I went through my Bible Study, I was thinking about how I don’t have a broken heart, how the heart that’s described as shattered and smashed to pieces doesn’t fit the state of my own. But then, as I read and studied further, I realized having a broken heart doesn’t necessarily mean you’re emotionally distraught all the time. It can also mean that, when you needed to put the pieces back together, they were glued with Elmer’s and held together my scotch tape covered in cat hair, so that the heart is still bleeding, having been repaired incorrectly. Sometimes brokenhearted can mean that we’ve covered our hearts in our own protection, which not only keeps love from going out, but also prevents love from coming in. Ah…there we go.
As I sat there, thinking through everything that makes up my bondage, my insecurities, my fears, my heart began to re-break. Often times when a bone heals improperly, a doctor has to break it again and splint it so it heals correctly the second time round. Well, I have a feeling that’s what the Great Physician is going to have to do. Revisiting my past is not easy, and it does break my heart to think about it, to let everything hang in front of God and to confront all of the pain and disgrace and heartache that I stored away from myself and from God for so long. I just never realized ignoring something so horrid could cause me so much misery.
It’s true; it’s in the past and there’s no way for me to get rid of it, and while I may have gotten some things from it I obviously haven’t gotten the right things or enough things, because it’s still a burden. It stills feels like it happened last month, and it shouldn’t. While I’ve given God everything happening in my present and in my future, I still haven’t completely relinquished my past, which is really stupid because He was there when it all happened, He knew it would all happen. So wouldn’t it make sense to give that to Him too?
During Prattler, as we were going over the layout for the next issue, there was a problem with one of the pictures in the magazine. It was a picture of a man holding a woman inappropriately. This, to many people in the room, was a big problem, especially those who were feminists. While I did find a problem with the picture, there was another picture right next to it that had a teddy bear smoking a cigarette, and then there was also a picture of a topless woman on the back cover. When I questioned the woman on the back cover, no one thought that was in the same position as the sexual picture inside the magazine. I guess my question is this: why would one picture be such an outrage, when other pictures like it are not? If there’s a problem with one picture that reigns as immoral and anti-feminist, why are other pictures considered okay that should also be considered immoral ? I just feel like there was a lapse in values, a lapse in perspective.
Just a thought.
Today I realized that, while there’s an obvious lack of morality, there’s no way for challenge. Let me clarify. The teachers and the students in the classroom setting are so very careful to skirt around giving an opinion that there’s no ground to offer an argument, no opportunity to challenge anything taught.
For example, a professor might say, “So-and-so was a gay man and the literary community saw his efforts for gay rights as being revolutionary.” Notice there’s no “I” anywhere in this sentence. While I appreciate their professionalism, I have to wonder when people are just going to say what they think. But then again, I’m learning, rather quickly, that the classroom setting is no place for a moral debate. Outside the classroom, however, is an open field.
Don’t mistake me for looking for a fight. I’m not. I hate confrontation and I find it incredibly awkward for both people involved. But I don’t want people to mistake my silence during class as condoning certain topics being discussed. But then I remember that there’s a time and a place, and even though I don’t agree with homosexuality, with pornography, with drug use, with premarital sex, there are still no grounds to debate morality, which is frustrating, but real.
God has got it covered. He’s given me a spirit of self-control, which means I’m not going to randomly spout off everything I think is wrong with the world when my professor is trying to teach, even though I don’t agree with what they’re teaching. I think that’s why a lot of people don’t like Christians, because too often we say our opinions about things or quote the Bible at people when the time and place is wrong, when there’s no context for it. There’s a difference between being tactful and being tyrannical.
Tomorrow night is Bible Study at Sam and Maria’s house and I can’t wait to spend time with my people. Friday morning (early…insanely early) I head to the station to catch a bus home. I can’t believe it’s almost Spring Break already…I can’t believe freshman year is already almost over. It just blows my mind. I can’t imagine how it would’ve been without God, without hope. I don’t think I would’ve made it. God promised to take care of me, despite the challenges presented by this new place, these new people, and even old people, old friends, and myself, and He has taken care of me.
I guess when God says He going to do something, He does it…imagine that! 🙂
“God is not man, that He should lie, nor a son of man, that He should repent. Has He said, and will He not do?”