I wonder when I’m going to get it into my head that there’s a reason why the Bible says God goes before me, as in, I shouldn’t go forward without God, as in I can’t do anything worth doing without Him, as in—
I did something really stupid today and I just feel so silly for thinking even for a moment that I could succeed when I put myself in control,
when I should’ve just sat back and let God be God instead of me trying to be God.
Wednesdays are the longest day of the week, and I was already tired when I woke up this morning. I slept in an extra hour, but I still had plenty of time for my Bible study.
Before I go into anything else, I want to reflect on the fact that not all study methods work for everyone, as in I might not study the Bible the same way Edward does, or the same way my mom does, or the same way Hannah does, and that’s okay. Your relationship with God is between you and Him and there’s no set-in-stone way for you to study His word. That is all.
Any way, today (and not just the Bible Study) was all about God’s unfailing love. I was introduced to Psalm 136, where it says “His steadfast love endures forever” 26 times. I think God is trying to tell me something.
Last night Bree and I were discussing how impossible it was to imagine forever. We can only see things in tens, maybe hundreds of years from our human perspective. But what about an eternity? God’s love lasts that long and then some. God’s love is enduring and strong and solid and it’s because of this that I know He’ll never leave me, even if I sin and mess up and be an absolute idiot (which I do often, in case you didn’t notice). Thank goodness His steadfast love endures forever.
To me, the word unfailing means never growing tired of hearing me talk, never getting sick of hearing my thoughts, even if they repeat, never leaving even when I feel like I don’t need it, never changing, constant, dependable, solid, real.
It’s too easy to forget the miracle of God’s love, too easy to take advantage of the incomprehensible magnificence that soaks His grace and mercy given to us. He didn’t have to give it to us. He didn’t have to give us His son and redeem us of our sins against Him. He didn’t have to forgive. But He did.
I left my dorm room smiling as I thought about the Bible study, about how much fun and fulfilling it was to study God’s word.
It seems like all of my classes, save Studio, are discussing feminism and how wonderful it is. It’s kind of weird, to be honest, and kind of discouraging. I really don’t know as much about feminism as I wish I did, but I do know that it’s not God’s will for women to be empowered by anything but Him, especially not themselves.
World Literature is about feminism and Ibsen. Writer’s Forum’s next couple of writers are feminist writers. Critical Thinking & Writing always acts as an advocate for feminism. I know this may sound naive, but why? Why is feminism so important to people?
After Forum I went to Critical Thinking & Writing, and after Critical Thinking & Writing I went to work with Marcy. For Studio, we were paired up with a partner to do a project on dialogue, and the two of us were put together.
I don’t know where my brain was today or why I felt like I was so smart that I could plan out what God was going to do during our working on this project together. We met in the cafeteria and worked on the project, and while we were working on it, I asked her about her Jewish faith. She told me what I already knew, and thankfully God internally thwapped me hard upside the head before I could debate her about anything. Debating wasn’t the point. I shouldn’t have even gone forward without Him.
When we were done, she stood up and smiled at me.
“I know you think I don’t like you, but that’s not true. I really do like you.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond to this. I was feeling so embarrassed and so idiotic that I had tried to be a know-it-all that every other emotion was sort of broken for a moment, waiting to be fixed. Marcy walked away and I sat at my cafeteria table, alone.
Prattler went by fast. When I returned to my dorm, my thoughts were swallowed up by how embarrassed I was. I did something else where I talked to someone about something and I felt like a total doofus afterwards as well, because my intentions were wrong. Ugh…
Then, I went to do laundry, pulled laundry out of the wrong washer, and put it back in. When I finally found the washer I’d used, however, it had filled with dirty water but had never emptied. So when I opened the door and pulled my clothes out, I got whipped with soaked clothing that was still dirty. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?
After putting my clothes in the dryer, I went and took a shower, returned to my dorm, and had a good talk with God about how silly and impatient I am. Why do I feel the need to be in control of everything? I know that trying to be clever doesn’t work, especially when it comes to people getting saved. God is the only One who can save anyone, who can really love anyone, but He chooses to do it through me! I don’t understand why He does it through me; I’m just so incapable.
But then I remember that the point of the earthen vessel (my body, myself) being broken is so that God’s love can shine through. God wouldn’t be glorified and no one would be saved if all of us were perfect, if none of us were broken. “For we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us” (2 Corinthians 4:7).
Learning to let God work instead of trying to control everything is something I’m always going to have to work on, I think. I just get so impatient, which means I’m pretty much saying that God doesn’t know what He’s doing and so obviously needs my help.
Well, at least the sun will come up again tomorrow, at least chocolate is still sweet, and at least I’m still the beloved daughter of a most adoring and patient Father, whose love is unfailing and never ending.
“‘Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor My covenant of peace be removed,’ says the Lord, who has compassion on you.”