This morning was wonderful, beautiful, fantastic, but not at all because of anything external, not because of the weather, not because of getting enough sleep, but because my heart was at ease, without worry, peaceful. Talking to God this morning was so enjoyable I don’t even know how to explain it.
I got up early, took a shower, got dressed, and pulled out my journal in the lounge (WITH my keys so that I wouldn’t get locked out in my pajamas again). There’s a time in your relationship with God (a time that sometimes has to come about many times) and your understanding of Christ’s love for you, that you can no longer be fake with God. You realize that He knows everything, sees everything, and understands everything past, present, and future, and there’s absolutely no use in trying to hide anything from Him. So I told Him exactly what I was thinking, without feeling like He thought I was stupid, silly, ridiculous, or awkward. I was just me.
I’ve been thinking about The Christy Miller Series by Robin Jones Gunn. So, the main character, Christy, from the moment her Aunt Marti transforms her into a well-dressed, made-up, classy lady, and after she gets saved via her new Christian friends and their ministry, she has Christian guys not necessarily throwing themselves at her, but it seems like, throughout the series, she always has a man. There are three guys in particular that reign important in her life: Todd, Rick, and Doug.
Todd is her future husband. Doug is Todd’s best friend. Rick is a jerk, but he redeems himself in the end. She goes from Todd, to Rick, to Doug, back to Todd. Rick was a surfacey Sunday Christian. Doug was solid but not meant for her. And then there was Todd, who was perfect for her (not perfect, just perfect for her) in every way. How did she date those other guys and still end up with Todd, God’s actual plan for her?
I realize this isn’t an ACTUAL story, I know it’s a work of fiction, but every time I read this story I can’t help but be blown away by how Christy went all over the place with her life and with her heart but God STILL fulfilled His plan for her. She still ended up with Todd, her aunt and uncle got saved, her brother got saved, she grew.
Me: God, that just doesn’t make any sense, that You’d be willing to orchestrate life and its insanity to the point when two specific people come together after such a long trek. Would you do that with me?
I became frustrated and continued to write out everything I was thinking. By the end my face was warm, my ears were burning…and I got it. It’s not a matter of knowing if God would do something, but rather how He’d do it. And it might not even be with the whole relationship thing, but rather something else. I mean, He’s really already done it for me, just in little increments that were actually huge to me. Every time I walk away from Him, even though it’s temporary, and every time I sin during those times, every time I doubt, He still fulfills His plan for me through my rebellion, through my uncertainty. God is a professional in the area of working miracles, in the area of proving His love, in the area of coming through and being amazing. I think I’ll just get out of His way 🙂
Word, Usage, & Style reminded me why I love writing. We spent most of the class looking up words, differentiating between commonly misused words and malapropisms. We spent a good twenty minutes each on grey v. gray, farther v. further, i.e. v. e.g., looking up the etymology and discussing it. I was kind of nerding out about it.
At noon, I learned that one assignment I had been stressing over wasn’t actually due until two days later, so that was a total God thing. I went back to my dorm, eating leftover chimichanga (OM NOM NOM) and working on homework, listening to music, and talking to God.
Studio class was good 🙂 I always learn a lot in that class, and, while I know I’ve probably said this before, I’m really blessed by the way my professor focuses more on dynamics and mechanics than he does on content. It makes writing Christian fiction much easier, doing so without feeling obligated to write the nastiest, most absurd, most vulgar things my sinful mind can imagine. It gives me level ground to build up from and a place where I can write about what I want to write about.
I headed to Bible Study once Studio was over. The weather was so warm, and I was able to wear a springy skirt and knit shoes, filled with excitement and happiness. I was just in a wonderful mood. As I listened to my music and read This Present Darkness on the subway, I couldn’t help but smile to myself and silently thanked God for everything, for the sun, for the warm weather, for my friends, for life. It was amazing.
And then I got to Bible Study, and I was reminded of a truth I hadn’t thought about for some time: I will never be able to out-love God. God will always love me more. He was the one who initiated this relationship. Even at the beginning, when man went in the opposite direction of where God was heading, God immediately began making restorations to the relationship and He was not okay with us being separated from Him, because He loves us.
Deuteronomy 30:6 says, “And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your offspring, so that you will love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live.” God loves us so that we can live. There’s a void in our chest that was never meant to be filled with anything other than the love of Christ. The best part is that God’s love will never run out and we’ll never think, “Wow, God, I just wish You’d love me more,” at least not without poor judgement and ignorance as our motivation for thinking so.
I just forgot that I never had the capability of out-loving God. I had forgotten that it’s not “I love You, God,” but instead it’s “I love You too.” He told me He loved me long before I even knew who He was. Right…wow.
Edward and his friends walked me to the train and I went back to my dorm. When I walked in, I checked my email and found an email from Jacob containing a video of a lesson he’d done a few months ago. I watched the video and I was even more encouraged, more excited, and my mood heightened even further, though I didn’t think that was possible. It was all about God’s vision for the world, how, like I said in the paragraphs preceding, He was not okay with humanity being separated from Him, with Israel just being His chosen people instead of also being His ministers to the world, with us being just saved but not effective and proclaiming, not disciples. It reminded me of The Grace of God, and I saw how even this book played into the supporting of the Big Picture of the Bible, how God’s vision for the world is to save it, to rescue it like a damsel in distress, and to smite our fears and our pride and our insecurities until the only thing left standing in our way is death.
Overall, the day was magnificent, encouraging, amazing, wonderful, indescribable. God is just…ah! He just loves me. He. Loves. Me. And I can’t help but feel unworthy, mostly because I am. But even though I’m unworthy, even though I’m flawed and shattered, broken and self-destructive, He. Just. Loves.
And I love Him too.
“We love because He first loved us.” —1 John 4:19, ESV