If there was ever a time when my plate was too full, it would be now.
There are way too many papers due, way too many things to be done, way too many people to talk to, way too many books to read.
My brain is exhausted and my hands are cramping and I’m frustrated with everything even though I really don’t have any reason to be frustrated.
And God is still good.
This morning I woke up late, exhausted, uncomfortable. It was really difficult to do my Bible Study this morning, and it was difficult to focus on Truth rather than the lies I felt like believing about the day, about myself, just about everything. My mind was heavy and my thoughts were hard. I just didn’t have any energy to fight.
Throughout the day, however, from World Literature to Critical Thinking & Writing, even into my study session with Edward at the Cocoa Bar, God comforted me, encouraged me, reminded me of His grace, showed me things I’d never seen, and built me up. But cynicism and frustration were constantly pawing at my head and heart.
In World Literature we’re studying Freud, the father of psychoanalysis. In Critical Thinking & Writing, we’re looking at Jose Esteban Munoz, who seems to be obsessed with comparing black racism to homosexuality. My brain is being so bombarded by philosophy and challenging doctrine and theological tangents that I’m not sure what direction is up anymore. I’m trying to discern too much at once and it’s beginning to wear on me.
My friendships are growing intimate and things are coming to the surface that are beyond my own experiences and I’m finding myself in a position where I’m inundated by new information and I’m trying to handle it all. But then I realize that I was never meant to bear the burden of handling the pasts, presents, and futures of my friends and of myself. That’s all God’s.
I too often try to be understanding about everything. I too often struggle to be the savior. But I’m not the savior. There are some things I will never be able to relate to or understand or argue against. But God will always be able to handle all of it, all the time, every day. God knows the hearts and minds of my friends; He knows the plans He has for them and He’s carrying them out as they live and breathe. They’re in His hands.
I need to stop trying to be God and just be me. It works much better that way 🙂
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall My word be that goes out from My mouth; it shall not return to Me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.” —Isaiah 55:8-11, ESV