God does this thing where He reminds me how much He loves me. I always see these memes on Pinterest and around Facebook about smiling in the middle of the day for no reason and looking like an idiot. Well, I did that a lot today, thinking about God, and how much He’s done to prove His love for me, to make His love more factual and undeniable as the law of gravity or the healing that comes with a good cup of tea. My heart was stirred today, despite my anxiety about certain upcoming events, and I was able to have peace, to have hope, to feel love, and smiling was my default facial expression for the day 🙂
In World Literature, we discussed Nietzsche further. Nietzsche really hated Christians and Christianity. While my professor was speaking, while he laid out Nietzsche’s brain before us, I had to wonder if Nietzsche had ever really read the Bible, if he’d ever taken time to read it. Then I figured he probably did what many people do: they don’t look at the Bible to learn about Jesus, but rather the Christian. Hm. I realized how little I knew about the history of the church, and decided I’d make that my object of study this summer.
We got our term papers back at the end of class…I got an A-. I’m kind of really happy about that 🙂 especially since last semester I received a B+ (really? a B+?). And to think I had been worried about it.
I grabbed lunch and sat outside in the sun, reading Knowing God. This book is really amazing…I would recommend it to everyone, even if you can’t read. Have someone read it to you. Actually, having someone read to me is probably one of the most soothing things I’ve ever experienced….so, even if you can read, try having someone read it to you :).
I headed back to my dorm after a while and I continued studying Creation Regained. I feel like I’m running a marathon in my head, but the whole process of studying these works alongside Scripture, talking to God about them, praying about them, is exciting and beautiful. It reminds me of the song by Sanctus Real. “Whatever You’re doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace. It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see, but I’m giving in to something heavenly.”
Critical Thinking & Writing came and went (we’re beginning the first drafts of our research paper), and I left class to go pick up Julie and Abby, Sam and Maria’s girls. There’s a school banquet tonight and all of the staff of the Christian school went to the banquet, and that includes Sam and Maria. They asked me to watch the girls.
So I left and arrived at the church, getting Abby and then Julie. The first idiotic thing I did was fail to open the stroller correctly. Of course, I had never been in the position where I’d had to open a stroller.
The three of us began walking to Sam and Maria’s house, Abby riding her scooter and me pushing Julie in the stroller. It was sunny outside and there was very little wind. Perfect.
We continued to walk until Abby said she was tired (it really was a long walk), so we sat on a metal bench to rest. As we sat, I looked around me and was hit with a rather awkward truth: I had never walked from church to Sam and Maria’s house by myself. I had always gone with other people, and while I paid attention to where we’d been walking, the path wasn’t forming in my head. I began to think of people to call, quickly realizing that everyone was at the banquet. Everyone except Edward.
So I called him, and he came with Athena. We walked in the right direction this time, and I couldn’t express how eternally grateful I was. We took a different route that went by a flower shop. I took Abby and Julie inside the shop, leading them through the myriad plants and pretending we were in a jungle. It was wonderful 🙂
When we arrived home, I went to unlock the door with the house keys (I’ve also never used house keys before, except for one time at Jenny’s, but that doesn’t count) and realized I was an incapable and helpless human being. After trying and trying, letting Abby and Julie play outside and requesting Edward keep an eye on them, I realized this wasn’t working.
After calling Sam and getting instructions as to how to work the house keys, I got the door open and put all of the girls’ and my things inside. We played out in the sandbox for a while, being joined by the Jewish neighbors. It was a lot of fun 🙂
Edward left while we were playing and I thanked him again. After a while, I brought the girls inside and made them dinner.
This experience was one that showed me how unfit I am to be a mother, at least right now. I gave them spaghetti when it was too hot. I couldn’t collapse the stroller. I kept running into things. But as the evening went on and as I got them ready for bed, as Julie and Abby curled up in the crooks of my arms and listened to me read to them, as Julie brushed my hair and Abby climbed over my lap, I realized that nobody is every really fit to be a mother, at least not until they have a child, and even then there’s no instruction manual.
Being a mother is something that goes outside of manuals, outside of guidelines, and sometimes even outside of advice. Granted, I’m only nineteen and have never had a child, though I’ve taken care of many, but even I can see the beauty of motherhood, and I think I caught a small glimpse of what it might be like for me one day.
Sam and Maria returned late, but they returned smiling. I was glad to hear they had such a wonderful time 🙂 After talking for a little bit, Sam took me home (after picking up Edward for propriety reasons) and I fell asleep during the car ride.
Needless to say I’m exhausted. Abby and Julie definitely wore me out, but I really had a lot of fun 🙂 Tomorrow is the last day of Bible Study, the conclusion of Breaking Free. Imagine that. I started taking down posters and packing away books and some clothes today…less than two weeks left. As I think about leaving everyone here for so long (I know it’s only two months, but after spending almost nine months with them, it’s going to feel like a very, very long time), my stomach does this weird flip flop thing and I feel sick. I have to trust that God is going to sustain me though. After all, it’s not like they’ll all be gone when I get back…or at least I hope so!
I’ve been talking to a fellow counselor about our job at Camp BaYouCa this summer, and the reality of the situation is setting in. The challenge and the fun and the adventure of this job are very real, and I can’t wait. This whole life thing is pretty awesome…especially when you’re walking through with the One who knows how to do it 🙂
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” —James 1:2-4, ESV.