The phrase “this was never supposed to happen” ran through my head multiple times today. Granted, all of them were concerning positive things, nothing negative or heartbreaking, but confusing nonetheless.
Bree and I had a good talk last night about guys, about God, about life in general. The two of us didn’t get to sleep until about three in the morning, but it was worth staying up to talk things through with her. This morning I woke up around ten thirty, exhausted, but craving a bagel. So I threw on my converse and a sweatshirt and went out across campus in my pajamas, determined to get a bagel. While I was in the cafeteria I grabbed Bree breakfast too, since she was still asleep when I’d left.
I talked to God on my way back, thanking Him for the beautiful weather, thanking Him for yesterday, thanking Him for everything.
When I returned to my dorm and gave Bree her breakfast, I went into the lounge and talked to God for a while. I talked to Him about my family, about my friends, about leaving, about coming back, about the summer, about the past few weeks, about the future. As things move forward, and as God opens my heart to be vulnerable to be feeling in everything, the looming fear of being hurt and being betrayed and being lied to is a constant dark spot in my vision. It’s really difficult to push past the fear of being hurt so that I can just trust God to bring me out on the other side, even if my biggest fears do come true, even if I am betrayed or hurt or lied to, I have to trust He’s going to keep me strong and heal me afterwards. Being vulnerable is really frightening, and feelings are annoying, but God gave these emotions to me, and He has some big emotions towards me, so I can’t see them as anything other than a gift when used properly.
I worked on compiling my portfolio for Studio and pulled at some loose ends for finals next week. I really just can’t believe there’s only one week left before I leave for the summer. My mom and Jimmy are coming to get me next Saturday….oh. My. Goodness. It’s just unbelievable.
Around two I began walking to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. Last weekend was the Cherry Blossom Festival, and after seeing the pictures of the festival and how fabulously pink the trees were, I had to go see them for myself before I left. I had invited Edward to go with me and we were meeting at the entrance at three thirty, but it took me an hour to walk there (that is, if I didn’t get lost).
I made it there without getting lost, and I actually parked myself on the wide, wooden steps in front of the Brooklyn Museum, which is about a block up from the Garden. As I sat there, basking in the sun, my shoes kicked off and my sunglasses on, I looked to my right and saw a couple taking post-wedding photos (at least, I think they were post, because she was in her wedding dress and he was in a tuxedo and normally, as far as I know, the groom still isn’t supposed to see the bride in her gown until she’s walking down the aisle…but I might just be behind the times). All of the cherry trees that beautified the front of the museum were in bloom, pretty and pink. New York City, I’ve learned, is perpetually windy, too many tall buildings making the streets into wind tunnels. But the weather was still refreshing, summery, and pleasant. Who knew I would ever become so wonderfully comfortable and familiar and at home in The City? Who knew Brooklyn and its people would grow on me so affectionately?….This wasn’t supposed to happen.
Like I said, it seems like everything I’d planned from the beginning, from the moment I came here, has been shifted and switched around and changed, totally against my will…but I guess that’s what happens when God is involved. God doesn’t care about where you’ve been or ever where you are, even if you’re in a position where you have everything planned out, but He loves you too much to let you stay there. He loves me too much to let me set out a reality for myself instead of trusting that He has something far better in mind.
I met up with Edward and we went on into the Garden. Surely enough, Cherry Walk was in full bloom, a breath-taking array of different passions of pink and white. People laid on the esplanade, children ran all over the place, couples walked and took pictures of each other posing under the blossoms. It was like something on a Hallmark Card.
As we walked through the Garden, among the cherry trees, the tulips, the looming oaks, the wooden bridges, God’s glory shined through all of it. I just couldn’t believe how different everything was, how, in autumn, everything had looked different, and now only a handful of months later it all looked stranger still. How did He come up with all of this?
When we finally finished, after I had tripped over rocks, fallen over blades of grass, and gotten us lost multiple times, my legs were sore and I was exhausted. Edward headed out and I headed back to campus. When I returned, after grabbing dinner, I fell asleep for about an hour and a half. I guess I was really tired!
The rest of the evening was rather slow. I did laundry. I worked on my research paper and my portfolio. I worked on a few essays. It was nice 🙂 Tomorrow I’m playing soccer and then finishing up all of my assignments. Sunday I’m planning on having a final French press date with Rebecca at Brooklyn Commune. Next week is crunch time and a lot of things are going to be happening all at once. But God always delivers me from pressure, always proves true as a respite during times of stress, and even if He doesn’t totally alleviate all of my frustration (which He rarely does), He always gives me peace and understanding that goes beyond my own capabilities as an overemotional, melodramatic human being.
It’s going to be fine 🙂
“Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.” —Ecclesiastes 7:8, ESV