I feel like I’ve had about three different mid-life crisis in the past nine months of my freshman year of college. What’s truth? Is everything I know a lie? How did I become so absolutely confused about pretty much everything I think?
After yesterday’s activities, I went to bed early, exhausted, crying to God, confused and disoriented. How can I go from being insanely happy and adventurous to being so doubtful and conflicted? What happened?
Yesterday after playing soccer, Edward and I were talking about different interpretations of doctrine and doctrines and theologians and philosophers and I found myself becoming frustrated and angry. I feel like everything, this community of believers, this world searching for God through anything and everything, has become far too complicated.
Truth is, it’s not that it’s complicated (at least that’s not the most important aspect)…I’m just learning that I don’t know everything. As I read and as I study and as I explore God’s Word and speak to other believers and unbelievers and church-goers and non-church-goers, I’m learning there’s much more information in the world than I thought, and even though the world may seem small, it’s actually a monstrous giant full of a mix of false doctrine and one strand of Truth, the strand I find myself searching for every time I wake up in the morning. Though it’s not so much a search as it is a desire for a better understanding, Truth is nevertheless difficult to follow and stick to in a world where there are so many tangents, so many eloquent people, so many passionate people, so many books, so many words.
I’m learning that I don’t know God as well as I thought I did. Granted, the things I do know about Him are true. God does love me, He does have a plan for me, I am His daughter and princess, the Holy Spirit is His seal of ownership on me. These aren’t the only things, but they’re a few. But I’m learning that there’s so much more to God than I can see, so much more to life than me just knowing who I am in Him. Yes, I need to know who I am in Him to survive, but this isn’t sufficient. I need to know who He is first before I can know who I am in Him.
But even with this knowledge of lack of knowledge, even with this understanding that I’m unsure and unwise and unschooled in these things, even though I’m young and, yes, stupid, even with such a long and difficult and meticulous battle for Truth stretching out before me, I have to believe, I’m going to trust God to be with me, and to receive me on the other side.
I think I finally understand, or have at least furthered my understanding of how much this life is a war.
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.”
—1 Thessalonians 5:19-22, ESV