So, I’m awkward and completely incapable of doing anything that’s not awkward.
But it’s okay! Because God is totally capable of using awkward people…like me.
This feeling of awkwardness nailed my suede boots to the pavement in front of the building in which my internship was contained. I stared at the green doors for quite a few minutes before finally going in.
Apparently, in this kind of buildings, you have to buzz to be let in…well, I didn’t know that, so I pulled on the door, and pulled on the door, nearly freaking out because I didn’t have a key or anything. But then I saw the little greenish box next to the door and looked for the name and floor and, with great hesitancy, pressed the call button. The buzzer buzzed and I jumped a little bit, feeling relieved when the door loudly unlocked itself and I was able to open it.
I got there early, before anyone, so I sat in the waiting area and read for a while. I prayed, trying to remember why I was there in the first place. While it was definitely to learn and become learned in this area of the literary community, the underlying reason was to glorify God. Of course, part of me was wondering how in the world I was going to do that in this particular situation. But God’s never been limited by my circumstances before, so I sat there, counting on Him to give me an opportunity…or to just keep me sane.
My boss (I’ll just call him that, respectfully) came in, set me up at a desk (which I didn’t expect; for some reason I thought I’d be sitting cross-legged on the floor), and gave me my first assignment. And the day went on with me mailing things, copy editing, reading, and writing. I basically did everything I love to do and help my boss at the same time. It wasn’t just for homework; it was to really serve and help, which was kind of cool 🙂
At one point I forgot how to make photocopies, and I was afraid of the photocopier, but figured it out and did what needed to be done. I certainly took notes on what to do next time. I participated in several other hiccups throughout the day, but God was amazing and helped me react and act accordingly, even if I didn’t feel capable or competent enough to be in the position I was in. God is good.
I left, tired, but feeling less awkward…sort of…okay, not really, but I was finally at peace with the fact that I don’t know what I’m doing and that I really need God and that everything is going to fall into place the way He wants it, whether I’m awkward or not. Also, God is really good at using the most unlikely people, the most “uneducated” and the most “common.” 😀
I walked home, across the Brooklyn Bridge. I will never tire of how beautiful this walk is. Today as I looked to my right I saw the Hudson sloshing about with the movement of fairies and barges and sailboats, the sun setting and causing everything to glow and reflect off the skyscrapers bordering the scene like a picture frame. I remembered how blessed I am…I mean, I live in New York City. I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY. How amazing is that? Wherever God puts me, I’ll go, but it’s really cool that He chose to put me here for now 🙂
I got home, my legs and feet aching but thanking me for the emotional release. The day didn’t stress me, but the physical exercise helped the “winding down” process move along much quicker. In my dorm I changed into comfy clothes and fell asleep, waking up to grab dinner and begin to work a little.
Today was much less difficult than I’d imagined it to be, and I’d been nervous about nothing. I’m learning that I don’t have to know how to do everything the first time. I first began learning this lesson when I started baking without my mom’s help. I would get so frustrated by my own mistakes that I’d be tempted to never try again. Thankfully, God gave me a will to do things until I got them right. I do still struggle with perfectionism and wanting things to work out a specific way, but He’s breaking me out of that, and change is slowly becoming less of a threat to me and more of a welcomed opportunity to see God work and to follow Him despite everything.
This weekend is Bree’s birthday, so Karly and I are going to go get her a gift tomorrow (though she doesn’t know that, so hopefully it’ll be a surprise :P). But today was good, it was amazing in its own way, and though this experience of being an intern is new and strange and uncomfortable and, well, awkward for me, I have faith that God will use it to glorify Himself and bring me closer to Him. I know I say that a lot, that God will use things in that way, and I don’t mean to be repetitive or to claim things that are stale in your ears or cliche to your eyes, but the way God moves and orchestrates the events of time and how He’s organized and created the world to bend to His sovereignty, whether it realizes what’s happening or not, is an established fact that is vital to the Christian. God’s involvement in my life is the only reason why I’m not dead right now (I’m not exaggerating, trust me), the only reason I have any hope or purpose or capability of not being controlled by worry and consumed by anxiety and destroyed by fear. I can’t imagine trying to get through college without Him, trying to get through everything I’ve been through without Him. I would be so lost.
So God is, no matter how cliche it sounds, active, not distant. He is involved in the events of the world and I can say with 100% confidence that He’s involved in my life. His Holy Spirit lives within me because I believe Christ, His son, came and died and was resurrected to take away the sting of death and to reconcile the world to Himself, because He loves me and was not satisfied with my being separated from Him. And I’m so glad that this was, and is, so.
Have a great weekend 🙂
“Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.” —Psalm 139:7-10