Sometimes I wonder why God does what He does in my life, for me. Right now I’m honestly wondering why He gave me internship, because it’s already gone straight to my head.
After my first day, I went home and thought. And thought. And thought. As I thought, I began to plan. By this morning, I had an intricate plan laid out for how my life would go in New York City as a successful, single woman of the literary community. But then, after today’s events, after going shopping with Karly and then celebrating Bree’s birthday with her, I sat down and thought about my plan again, and my heart began to ache.
With this plan, this idea, there was no room for God.
Something new happens, and you get a taste of adventure, and you make an intricate plan as to how you want things to happen and who you want to be involved…but then when you sit back and think of the wonder and the love and the joy of not knowing, of following God and trusting that His plan is far more adventurous and far bigger than you could ever hope to wrap your mind around, your plans, no matter how glamorous, are crushed and blown away like dust. It’s in that moment you see who’s worth following, and you come to realize that it’s not you. With this realization comes a decision as to who you will follow: you, who walks in the dark, or He who created the light.
So I sit here now, thinking about all of the things that could happen, the paths I could possibly take, the goals I could possibly have, and I realize none of them are worth pursuing if God’s not at the forefront, leading me through them. See, I was never meant to be the star or be the focus of my life…because my life isn’t mine.
I’ve always been meant to play in the background. Everything I do in my own power is just so pointless and so vain, but when I do things out of devotion to God and remember that He’s the keeper of my heart and depend on Him, remember that He’s just so much greater and kinder and more magnificent and beautiful than any plan I could ever create, than any attempt I could ever make to acquire success, than any dream I could ever entertain, it’s just…
I don’t know. He’s just….
He’s just Him.
And I love Him.
I feel like a doofus for letting the fabulousness of New York City and of being an intern and of getting a taste of what the world has to offer so quickly go to my head and effect my heart, but I’m glad that God caught me before I pursued anything outside of His will for me. Is it bad to make plans? Of course not. Is it bad to be prepared? Certainly not. But when I plan, I tend to bee line for what I want and just keep going and plowing through everything without stopping to understand what all of it means or what God wants me to do with it. When I plan, I stop trusting God and begin to trust myself and my own abilities. But I know that God is greater, that His way is better, that His plan for me is more than I could ever ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).
“I know I’m safest when I’m in Your will, and trust Your Word
I know I’m dangerous when I trust myself, my vision blurred
And I ain’t got no time to play life’s foolish games
Got plenty aims, but do they really Glorify Your name
And it’s a shame, the way I want to do these things for You, yeah
Don’t even cling to you, take time to sit and glean from You
It seems You were patient in my ignorance
If ignorance is bliss, it’s ’cause she never heard of this.”