God does this thing where He shows you with such unspeakable and indescribable clarity how idiotic fear is when it comes to trusting Him, when it comes to learning to love Him, when it comes to who He is and how much He loves you. With God, there doesn’t have to be fear, and you, when you’re a child of God, are not a slave to fear, and you don’t have to give in to, condone, or tolerate anything it says. You can simply say, like a respectable Victorian woman, to the villainous suitor that is fear, “Have you spoken to my Father?”
This morning I somehow slept through my alarm and woke up late. I slumped out of bed, not entirely worried about being late…I just didn’t have any strength emotionally, physically, nothing. I packed my purse, got changed, talked to Bree, and then headed out. I took the subway this morning, knowing I’d be out late and therefore unable to ride my bike back to campus.
On the subway, I sat and read index cards with scripture verses on them, and while I read these, while I talked to Him, while I looked at those around me, I was comforted by His trustworthiness, by the confidence I could have in Him, the love I could express for Him, all based on His love for me and how He’s proven it over and over and over again.
I arrived at Sunday school in plenty of time and talked with Jenny before class started. We talked about worldview and how important it is to develop a biblical worldview and to be willing to truly understand the worldviews of others, not listening to them with the aim of telling them they’re wrong, but of really investing in them.
In morning service, I was able to sit alone, just listening to what Pastor had to say, just worshiping God. It’s not that I didn’t want to be sociable, and it’s not that I don’t love my church family, but it was nice to be reminded that it was just me and God, that when it comes right down to it, everything that happens, everything I do, is between me and Him.
After morning service, I got to hold Samuel, Sam and Maria’s new baby, and he proceeded to vomit all over my shoulder. But, honestly, I didn’t really mind 🙂 I’d never had that happen to me before, so it was a new experience 😀
I spent lunch time alone as well, in Prospect Park near the water. I pulled out my journal and my Bible and spent time just praying to God and talking to Him and enjoying His creation, enjoying the people enjoying the day.
After afternoon service, (during which I sat with Abby and she proceeded to draw several pictures of her and me eating at a steakhouse), Jenny and I headed to Maria’s house. Maria very wonderfully asked if she could make me a birthday dinner this Sunday. No one has ever done that for me, so it was a true blessing for her to show her love for me by doing it 🙂 Jenny and I helped cook and take care of the kids and we had some good girl time before Sam came home and cooked/seasoned pork chops. Maria even made a red velvet cake with blackberries and cream cheese frosting…and oh, it was good 🙂
We spent the rest of the night drinking Starbucks French press (I cheated) and watching Once Upon A Time and then football, all the while talking about different things. I left feeling encouraged and genuinely loved. My heart is less heavy now, and instead of being consumed by fear, it’s on the edge of maybe being afraid. But I’m seeing that, whatever should happen, whatever God should allow, whatever He should bring about, there’s no need to be afraid. I can be completely confident in who He says He is, in what He tells me, in what He says about and how He sees me, in what He has planned, even if I can’t see it. Oh He’s so good, and what an insult to who He is and the vastness of His knowledge of and love for me when I fear.
With a God like Him, the true God, fear is nothing less than telling God that He is a liar and incapable of fulfilling all that He’s promised for both the individual and the whole of mankind, and to fear is to say you understand life better than He who created it.
In the words of Thorin Oakenshield, “I have never been so wrong in my life.”
“God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it?” —Numbers 23:19, ESV