Busyness seems to be my worst enemy, or one of them, at least. Also, I have searched and scoured and searched some more for short stories written by Christian authors, and I must say I am deeply disappointed.
My professor has asked his fiction studio to bring in a short story published after 1980 to read aloud in class…after doing some extensive research, I’m convinced that almost no good fiction was written after 1980. I looked through several (okay, far more than several) magazines, both Christian and secular, mainstream and not-so-mainstream. I even checked out collections at the library, disappointed by the vulgarity and hopelessness printed on every page. The books that might’ve offered an answer, a way out of reading something quite shameful in class, were unavailable to me, and should I buy/order them, it wouldn’t be in time for my class tomorrow.
Me: Is there nothing with a happy ending anywhere??? Anything that will glorify God???
I’m a little bit frustrated. I just don’t understand why there aren’t any Christian short story writers. Bret Lott seems like a good writer, but his books were some of the ones unavailable to me. But this is partly my fault: I should’ve researched earlier.
This brings me back to busyness being my worst enemy. For some idiotic reason I thought it would be a good idea to pack my schedule with as much everything as I could manage and then expect myself to be able to do all of it without going absolutely insane. Of course, I didn’t have all that much sanity to begin with, but, like I said, I clearly wasn’t thinking straight at the time of making this decision.
Now, as I’m struggling to find a story, to piece different things together, I’m seeing the effects of busyness and how it’s damaged everything from my physique to my spiritual life. Am I saying that my situation is hopeless? Oh, of course not. Nothing is hopeless with God. And hope, as He’s said in His word, won’t put me to shame.
Even as I write this, there’s a lie floating around, something along the lines of “Of course it’s hopeless. You’ve tried to squeeze out of busyness four or five times now and have failed. What makes you think this time will be any different?” Wow. Talk about lemon juice on an open wound.
Honestly, when it comes right down to it, though I feel rather hopeless, tired, exhausted, fatigued, and severe, God’s word says that I can have hope in Him, even when I put myself in these kinds of positions. I’m not going to make excuses or try to justify my feelings, because they’re not true. They might be very real, but that doesn’t mean they’re true. It’s kind of like the political sides taken by the majority of the world—pro-“choice,” marriage “equality,” feminism. Even though many people take stances like these, and even though the justification behind each of them is real, it doesn’t mean that the ideologies and such that make them are true. In fact, they’re the exact opposite.
“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)
Never before have I understood the purpose of this verse so thoroughly and perfectly. To be vigilant means “to be keenly watchful to detect danger; wary.” And while I’ve been busy my heart has fallen into disarray, so I’m now fighting even harder against emotions, apathy, fear, and hopelessness.
But these things will not avail, not if I know my God. I’m not saying God is just going to fix everything. No. He loves me too much to let me get off that easily. He knows the only way I’m going to be stronger out of this is if the process is slow and steady and thorough, with my re-learning how to exercise discipline and self-control and such.
I haven’t done anything dishonorable or made any decisions that might ruin my testimony or well, destroy my life, but my mind and heart and spirit are feeling the wears and tears of the environment I’m in, and they hurt and are heavy, like cement blocks on my feet.
This is not easy.
But He never promised it would be.
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” —John 16:33