So, the prospect of maybe living like one of the hermits in so many fairytales, or even as Tom Bombadil, or maybe, just maybe, a hobbit (I’m convinced that would be the best option) is becoming more and more attractive.
Though I’ve been here in The City for a while, I’m still not entirely used to the noise, and, for some odd reason, I’ve been exceptionally emotional as of late, so when I came into my dorm tonight in need of peace and quiet and a small moment with God, the sirens from outside my window, the loud music from the room above me, and the general feeling of unrest in the room caused me to cry.
It was pretty bad.
I should also tell you I talked to one of the campus cats today, though I’m not sure what that says about my state of mind. Much, I would think.
Anyway, I woke up early today and spent time with God, reading Proverbs 31, and suddenly being hit yet again with how daunting this task is, this adventure of being a woman of excellence and a woman who fears the Lord in a world that requires and demands the exact opposite. God desires that a woman be complete in Him, solid in Him, and sure in Him. The world demands you be solid in yourself, dependent on no one. God desires that a woman be tender, kind, loving, regardless of how others might treat her. The world demands you be kind only when others are kind to you. God desires that a woman love and respect and honor and submit to her husband. The world defines that as oppression and weakness.
The fear of failure is hitting every nerve, and yet I have to believe again in the Truth, that even if I fail, God is going to win, and thank goodness, when this life is all over and done with, I’ll never have to go through anything like this again, and I can just rest in Christ and truly be free. Don’t mistake me; I honor the fact that God is challenging me and pushing me completely out of my comfort zone, but I long for the day when I can just be with Him and not have to fight every second of the day on the spiritual battlefield of life.
“Why are you fighting? Why don’t you just stop and go with the flow?”
Because once you know the Truth, once you understand just how far the world is from where it’s supposed to be, once you realize that there’s something infinitely better, and that is Christ and everything He is and everything He wants and everything He does, there’s just no way for you to simply blend back into the world. You can’t do it. At least not if you’re genuine in your faith. It’s hard to settle for less than the best when you’ve already tasted it.
But what better place to grow in Christ than on a battlefield? What better way to learn how to fight than on your feet? What better time to further your understanding of who God is and how powerful He is and how worth it all He is than right now?
And I won’t lie; it’s incredibly difficult to remember these things in moments of distress and frustration, in moments of discouragement, in moments of heartache, but it’s in those moments when it’s most important to remember these Truths.
But oh, God is so good.
“How can you say God is good when you seem so miserable?”
It’s not because of God that I struggle, but because of the fact that I’m human, and, on top of that, my body harbors a redeemed soul that doesn’t belong in this world, but rather with its Savior, and as weird as that sounds, it’s the Truth. And it’s kind of wonderful, because it means that this life and all its difficulties aren’t it. Life doesn’t stink and then end with death: it’s a war that ends with eternal respite.
“Well, it’s great that you have that belief.”
Whenever people say this to me, whenever they treat this relationship as just another part of a belief system or a lifestyle code or a crutch or a moral something rather, it makes my chest just ache, because it’s so much more. It’s so much more.
And here I am, yet again unable to summon up the words to describe Christ and what a life given to Him and dedicated to His will and His will alone is actually like. No human event or life experience can compare to it. All I can say is that people will think you’re crazy, but it’s okay 🙂
Because who in their right mind would give up their own will for the will of another? Who would even think of putting aside what they want and what they think will make them happy and instead pursue Someone else in order to have peace and joy? Who in the world would sacrifice time, money, energy, and, well, their entire life (with which they could be doing amazing things for themselves), given up to Someone they can’t even see?
Well, I would 🙂 And I’m learning to do so even more every day. And it’s hard, and it’s painful, and it’s uncomfortable…but oh it’s worth it. It’s so worth it to not give up.
“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” —Galatians 6:9, ESV