Sometimes I honestly have to sit back and wonder how on earth God thought I’d be able to handle all of this, how He could ever think that I could be all that He needed me to be while I was here, how He could even imagine I might, for one second, be successful…
Turns out, before He sent me here, before He even created me, He wasn’t really banking on what I was capable of doing, but He was pushing me forward because of Who He is.
*Sigh*…I just keep forgetting that I can’t depend on what I’m capable of doing, because, honestly, I just fall over so much and I’m so selfish and half the time my motives are wrong and the other half my motives are right but my execution is just plain ridiculous. Some times I’m on track but other times I just want to eat cheesecake and curl up in a ball. Some days I wake up and I’m ready to fight this battle I’ve entered into, while other days I crawl out of bed, barely lifting my sword and shield.
And it’s frustrating, feeling so incompetent, or realizing that my efforts just aren’t enough to sustain me, or seeing that I just can’t save people, that I don’t have the right words, that I don’t have the healing power. And then to be reminded that there is One who can do all these things, who’s capable of saving, who has the power to transform and heal and bind up the broken heart…
Last night, I had a small sort of mental breakdown. I cried to God about a million things on my heart that weren’t, in light of His power and grace, even worth dwelling on, because I knew He had it covered. Realizing something was off in my heart or maybe even physically, I went to bed right away…at 9:00PM. I didn’t wake up until about 8 this morning, and I’m so glad I did that, because I haven’t felt that rested in quite some time.
This morning I realized what the problem was that caused me to freak out emotionally last night. I felt rather silly, but I knew now how to resist another episode. For the rest of the day I struggled with anger and frustration and annoyance, though nothing was much different from any other day. My emotions were heavy for a specific reason, and I knew why, and I just needed to lean on God and trust that He was greater.
Most of the day I spent alone, on purpose, not because I was trying to be rude or antisocial, but God gave me the wisdom to see that I just wasn’t able to hold my tongue or to keep from casting a harsh look or exercising discernment around people, anyone. So I spent most of my time in the library, working on my mid-term paper, talking to Hannah, praying, just hanging out with God, and trying not to think about how much I wanted to eat all of the chocolate cake in the world.
I’m really enjoying the preparation of the road trip to Ft. Campbell, and I love planning and talking things over with Hannah and getting excited about things 😀 Wow! I’ve never been to Ft. Campbell, but I’ve once been to Ft. Knox, Kentucky, when my cousin Josh completed his basic training and was getting ready to fly out to Florida and then to Afghanistan the next day. Each time I think about it, I always sing that weird songish thing that Melanie’s dad sang (is that what he was doing?) in the movie “College Road Trip,” while he did his happy dance in front of the police SUV with a sign that said, “Georgetown Express” taped to the back window.
Around five, when I was in the cafeteria and continuing my mid-term studies with a fork in a container of watermelon chunks, Jenny told me she was coming to shop with me.
Well, okay 🙂
So I spent another hour or so finishing up my research, then I changed and got ready to go meet her at the subway. She just showed up, ready to go places, and didn’t ask anything of me. I can’t say what a blessing that was.
We went to a small diner on the corner across from the campus entrance, eating philly cheese steaks, shrimp, and onion rings. Afterwards we headed to Myrtle Ave., buying Halloween candy, fruit, and some other random items. Eventually we went to Dekalb and ended the night with a great conversation that really refreshed and encouraged me, exchanged over dessert, tea, and coffee. God knew I needed someone to sharpen me and shape me up after such a battle of a day, so He sent me Jenny. Jenny paid for all of my meals, and even bought me strawberries and raspberries, and it was such a blessing…
God really takes care of me. All the time. He really does. Even when I doubt Him and don’t think He will, He does. One of the best parts is that He not only gives me everything I need, but He also blesses me with small things, or small things that are really big things. He’s blessed me with Beth and Hannah. He’s blessed me with Jenny. He’s blessed me with my parents, with Sam and Maria, with Uncle Doug and Aunt Lori, with Jacob, with everyone who sharpens me and demands that I follow God like the soldier I’ve been called to be, like the daughter I’ve been claimed as.
My mom sent me a Bible study in the mail, so after taking a shower and getting comfortable, I sat down and did the Bible study, feeling refreshed in God’s word and being reminded of several things, the first one being a reminder of my own incompetence apart from God’s power and apart from my leaning on Him. I was also reminded that the power and the fulness of God is in the Holy Spirit, the third part of the Trinity, which is in me, and that the Holy Spirit is the anointing of God…the ANOINTING of God.
1 John 2:27 says “But the anointing that you received from Him abides in you, and you have no need that anyone should teach you. But as His anointing teaches you about everything, and it true, and is no lie—just as it has taught you, abide in Him.”
So, while there’s wisdom in many counselors, and I should definitely ask for help should I need clarification or even godly counsel, it virtually comes down to God and my relationship with Him. And lastly, I was reminded that anointing, or the moment I became saved, the moment I decided to follow Christ and pursue Him and be His girl, I was guaranteed opposition.
“The devil, assisted by all the demons of hell, will seek to defeat [you] by every cunning device at his command. The world to which [you] are going lies under his evil spell. It will be a battle all the way. Every inch of progress with have to be won by conquest, for the enemy will never surrender. Nothing less than the infilling of the Holy Spirit will be sufficient to meet the challenge.” —Robert E. Coleman, The Master Plan of Evangelism
The only way for me to be successful, for me to grow in Christ and be more like Him and deepen my knowledge of Him and strengthen my faith in Him and become more aware and more understanding of how He loves me, is for me to remember that it really has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with Him.
Tomorrow is a bit long, but it’s okay. God is not bound by long days, by mid-term papers, by my incapabilities, by my fears or doubts, and He’s not bound by my worries about the future or by my impatience, but rather takes these things, and brings them into His light, where He uses them for my good, and prunes them for His glory.
And I’m so glad He does 🙂
“I (God) will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you. Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit and bridle, or it will not stay near you. Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.” —Psalm 32:8-10, ESV