There’s a moment in time, that I never thought was possible, when God brings about things I’d only ever imagined happening, that I’d waited on, desires and dreams that God placed a gentle hand on, telling me to be patient, to wait on Him, and to understand that the only way they’d make sense, the only way they could truly be enjoyed and truly be experienced was in His perfect timing. And I think, if only in part, I understand now.
This morning when I woke up, I continued to struggle with bitterness and anger that, as I’ve described earlier today, are unbecoming to a daughter of Christ. I’ve never had such a problem with these before, bitterness and anger, not to this degree, that is. So it’s been mostly my praying for God to help just hold my tongue, to keep me solid in Him, to help me remember that He’s bigger than my emotions.
I did my Bible study, being reminded of just what God means when He says I can be sure of Him, of who He says He is, and that when obstacles come, when emotions roar like a storm over my head, when things are difficult, and when fears are faced, I can rest in Him as my Rock, my Refuge, and the strength that I just don’t have.
After Bible study, I got changed and headed to Travel Writing. I prayed before class for God to help me read the piece out loud, since it had much to do with Him and since Satan had hit me so hard with fear the last time I tried to read a story about Him aloud. I read it without a problem, and the feedback of both my classmates and professor was helpful and gave me some insight as to their backgrounds and how they see Christ, if they see Him at all.
God is really pushing me in every area, especially financially. I always feel like talking about finances, especially on the Internet, is tacky, but at the same time God uses this area of my life ALL THE TIME to bring me closer to Him, to bring me down low, and to lift me up high.
Lately, believing that God is totally capable of providing for me so long as I focus on Him, I haven’t really worried, at least not with as much consuming anxiety as I’d experienced last year, about my depleted funds. The main thing is being able to go to church on Tuesdays, to fellowship with other believers, and to save money for the upcoming trip to Kentucky. Today, while I’d been preparing to sell some of the books on my shelf that I’d probably never read again (yes, it was hard to decide which ones, and yes, it really hurt), I went to check the mail after Travel Writing and found a card with money in it from my grandma inside my box, enough to buy a bike light, which would take care of the majority of my subway fare for the rest of the semester, if not the rest of the year.
God provides 🙂
I know it might seem like the obvious solution is to get a job, and believe me, I’ve tried. But every time I apply to get a job on campus, every time I strive to make sure I follow up with the application and talk to the people I might be working for, not only does God shut the door, but He then shows me another classmate getting that exact position without any problem, as if He’s reassuring me of His will. Trust me, I have tried. Not that having a job is a bad thing. It’s a great thing. But for whatever reason, God just does not want me to have a job right now, so I’m trusting that He’s going to provide for me without one.
Anyway, I went and had lunch with Karly, and because of my anger/bitterness struggle, I was awfully short and to the point and not very sociable during our time together.
Studio went well, I thought. It was again a struggle to use discernment and be careful about what I said and didn’t say, to watch my humor. I talked to God through the whole class, and left quickly to avoid acting on the overwhelming feeling.
I went to my dorm, snuggled into a comfortable sweatshirt, and ate strawberries while working on homework. While I was homeworking, I picked up a strawberry and noticed that there was a black spot on it. Inspecting it further, I saw that the black spot was filled with maggots, and when I looked into the container, maggots were on other strawberries as well.
I shoved the container into the trash can, sprinted to the bathroom, washed my hands, and then rushed to text Jenny and tell her not to eat the strawberries. I then grabbed the raspberries (which we’d bought with the strawberries last night) and washed them until they “shined like the top of the Chrysler Building,” to quote Miss Hannigan from “Annie.”
Shortly afterwards I stole a quick nap and then headed to German class, realizing that German, other than English as a second language, is by far the most impossible and difficult language to learn, because there are tons of rules, but there are also so many exceptions to these tons of rules that the rules don’t really apply except in some select cases within exceptions.
But it’s a good challenge 🙂
I headed to church after class, immediately being recruited to help with children’s choir, since tonight was the church’s annual “Trunk or Treat,” which is like Trick or Treat, which will happen on Friday night, except the church people give the church kids candy from the trunks of their cars in the church parking lot. I really enjoyed helping with children’s choir, and God slowly chipped away at the bitter feeling that so desperately needed to be done away with.
I spent time at Trunk or Treat, observing mostly, talking some. I talked to Duston and to Edward about different things and stood there in the parking lot while they made fun of and teased me, but I wouldn’t want it any other way 🙂 After everything was done and almost everyone had left, Sam very graciously drove me home.
The night ended with wonderfully encouraging conversations with Mariah (a wonderful friend from camp this past summer), Beth (WHOSE BIRTHDAY IS TODAY), and Jacob.
God is kind of amazing, you know? I think I have Him all figured out, and then He flips me world upside down and reminds me that I can’t put Him in a box, that I can’t deny Him the joy of seeing the surprise and the awe and the wonder displayed on my face when He does something I could never imagine happening, when He orchestrates things in my life to bless me, and glorify and bring me closer to Him.
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act.” —Psalm 37:4, 5, ESV
“I’m so grateful and thankful for all You’ve done,
Wish I could tell You in a short story or a poem,
But all I have is my voice and this guitar,
And You have my heart.”
—Jamie Grace, Hold Me feat. TobyMac