I am such an awkward individual.
But, as God has shown, I’m obviously not too awkward to be used by Him. 🙂
Last night was difficult. I’m still learning the lesson of loving people when they’re difficult to love, not just unbelievers, but believers as well. He’s really teaching me how to love without fear, though it’s accomplished with many set backs, quite a few face-plants, and no small amount of discomfort, especially in a world where we’re taught by popular society to love those who love you, to be kind to those who are kind to you, and that you have the right to retaliate when someone has wronged you. But God says otherwise. In His word He says to love your enemies (Matthew 5:44), and to be patient and quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry (James 1:19). And it’s not easy to do these things, especially when you’re not constantly bringing the situations before God.
Today I only had one class: French. French is such a cool language 🙂 There’s just so many different ways to say one thing and one saying is more specific than another and it’s just a lot of fun 😀
After French I had lunch with Bree and then headed out to check my mail and get some things done. Lately Karly and Charlene have been unable to have lunch with me, so I’ve found myself getting hungry for fellowship on campus. Often I’ll be deliberate in spending my meals talking to God and making sure there’s nothing I’ve kept from Him or any situation I haven’t brought before Him. Ultimately, Christ is all I need, at least that’s what His word says (Deuteronomy 8:3). But at the same time, Hebrews 10:24-25 says “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” So meeting with other Christians is important, especially right now, where I am.
Considering how incapable and silly and dramatic and whatever I am, I really don’t know where I’d be without Christ. He’s kind of amazing in every way imaginable, and it’s a lovely thought, a heart-changing thought, a life-transforming revelation to be told by Him that I’m His, and that He loves me, and that He’s willing to help me in the areas that I lack.
At one point, while I was talking to Hannah and fighting feelings of fear and overwhelming confusion about different situations and even a bout of loneliness, I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling. And then, while I was lying there, the Christian God placed above me, one of the few, has a loud speaker sound system that fills the whole dorm, and suddenly “Never Alone” by Barlow Girl came on her sound system.
Oh, right, yeah.
God does this thing where He uses the small things to make our difficulties seem much smaller. Hannah reminded me that in five years, most of what happens now won’t matter. While God’s purpose in having me here is certainly important and not at all in vain, after all of this is over and done with, He’ll be victorious, and ready to guide me through whatever happens next.
I received a package from the Shilliff Sisters 😀 (some of the wonderful God-fearing women I worked with this past summer), filled with all sorts of tea, letters, snackage, hot chocolate, and pictures from camp. It was another one of the small things that God used (perfectly timed, of course) to remind me of why I’m here, and that when all of this is over, He’ll be victorious, and He’ll be great, and I’ll be stronger in Him and more bent towards obeying Him and more attuned to His will and more able to sacrifice things in my life for His wants, because, honestly, I want to want what He wants.
I nearly finished my short story. Almost all day yesterday, and even last week, I spent a lot of time talking to God about what in the world I was supposed to write. Over the weekend, I decided to just start something and see how it turned out. Well, it’s going good 🙂 I’m not sure how it’s going to end, but I’m hoping it’ll work itself out. We’ll see.
I went and ran for a while, got a good workout in. I realized today it’s very difficult to feel comfortable in the gym and to be 100% modest. It was different back home in the school gym when my cousin, Tyler, and my father were there, making sure I was safe and none of the guys there were going to do anything. While I’m certainly not in any danger, and it’s not that I’ve ever had a bad experience in the gym, but something felt off today. I am usually the only girl in the “weight-section” with a bunch of guys, and today I was more aware of it than usual, wondering how I could maybe be more modest and encouraging even in that situation. Hm.
After my workout, I came back to my dorm, grabbed a shower, and sat down to watch the video for the bible study my mom sent me…Let’s just say I needed it. I’ve been trying to bring everything before God (EVERYTHING), and seek His will on all of it, and I was reminded tonight that the more I know God, the more clearly I will be able to hear Him, and discern His will, and understand what it is that He wants me to do.
Today, as I’d been using the past week to lean on God for patience and self-control and trust in a certain situation, God showed me once again that those who wait on God are not put to shame. When He says “wait” and I obey Him and wait, He does remember His promises, and He doesn’t leave me hanging, whatever it is.
I was reminded that prayer is a weapon and that this life is a war. But God is a God of victory, of power, and of promise. And He’s going to win 🙂 And I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing that wonderfully good news, that Christ’s death on the cross was enough to save me, and that I get to take part in the divine victory of my Lord and Savior.
“Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me. I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” —John 16:33, ESV