God does this thing where He uses the people you love, and even the people you have a hard time loving, to remind you of His truth, to remind you that you’re being completely ridiculous…To remind you that, in the end, it all comes down to what happens between you and Him.
That’s a thought, isn’t it? The fact that after this life is done, whether you believed He’s real, believed He’s good, believed He’s the only way, or didn’t believe in Him at all, didn’t believe who He says He is, how it all ends depends on your relationship with Christ or lack thereof. Hm.
Today, this morning in particular, I got it. I’m sure another time will come when I forget again, but today was not that time.
When I woke up this morning, I talked to God, telling Him I just couldn’t do anything, that I had nothing left to give and no idea what else I was supposed to do to get rid of my doubt and discouragement. I told Him that nothing I did “worked,” and that I didn’t “feel” victorious, like I was supposed to. And so I proceeded to sit back and realize that was the point all along. Of course nothing I was doing was working. It wasn’t about what I could do. It never has been. It’s never even been about me…
God reminded me this morning that my feelings change, that my emotions and my heart lie as far as what the truth is, that the truth is one person and one person only, and He’s been staring me in the face this entire time. And today, I just leaned on Him, all day, and stopped trying so hard, and let Him be God. And it made sense.
I went to World Civ. to be assigned my final paper…already. It’s hard to believe that Thanksgiving is in two weeks, and then Christmas only three weeks after that. Time is moving rather fast. I’m actually in a race against time (insert Dr. Who reference here) to get all of my work done for both school and the internship before I leave for break. Today, once I got the assignment for the first final paper (there will certainly be others in other classes) I had to lean into Christ so I didn’t panic. And He was there.
I had lunch with Karly, and it was wonderful 🙂 We talked about why we like what we do. She talked about photography and I talked about writing. We talked about books and food and such. Then we sat outside on a bench for a while before class, eating cookies 🙂 It was very refreshing.
In Studio, I was reminded of the importance, especially in a somewhat difficult situation, to ask Christ how I should respond, or for Him to help me respond. Today, we read a short story that I kind of liked. The other stories we’d read were rather vulgar and sexual, and while I try not to knock something before I try it, these stories had been wearing on my mind and heart and I was trying to be respectful while also trying to maintain my sanity. Earlier in the day, I’d actually asked God if I should maybe ask my professor if we could read something else that communicated the same literary concepts he was trying to teach us, not to try and proselytize the class, but to just break from the heavy pornographic things we’d been asked to read.
Anyway. He asked us what we’d thought of the story. I honestly (probably too honestly, now that I’m reminiscing) said that I actually liked this story. The word “actually” caused my classmates to jump on it, but they thankfully gave me a fifteen second window to explain myself, where I just said that I personally didn’t read the kinds of things we’d been reading as of late (my professor had described several of the pieces as being pornographic, so I thought it was a “safe” word to use). This lasted at least until my professor interrupted to explain that the mindset I was describing was messed up and then proceeded to go on a small rant until continuing onward, asking me again what I thought. I decided, based on my feelings and how my first reaction is too often to retaliate with fighting words than with a thought-out response, that I’d step back and say nothing. As my classmates continued to say what they thought, I sat and leaned on Christ, asking Him what I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to respond. He whispered for me to move on, to not be offended or injured, because I wasn’t the target, that He would take care of everything.
And so I did.
I continued to contribute to the conversation and the class, overall, was really wonderful 🙂 At the end, as my classmates filed out one-by-one, I was led to talk to my professor, and I’m so glad I obeyed. I asked him if he understood what I’d meant, and he said no, but he’d appreciate it if I’d explain. He also apologized, and I can honestly say that if I’d responded the way I wanted to, he would’ve had every right to respond to me harshly. And yet, Christ was right.
We talked for a bit, and he explained to me that what I’m doing (integrating my faith in my writing) is putting me in a tricky spot, but that he thought it was very brave. After a few more questions, the subject of my motivation behind my writing came up. I proceeded to tell him that my goal was to glorify God in what I do, in everything, and that includes my writing. I left with a smile imprinted on my heart, and on good terms, better terms, with my professor.
I headed to my dorm to chill before German class. I sat with God for awhile and then headed out.
In German we watched a movie about the falling of the Berlin Wall. There was a lot of…well…stuff in it, images I didn’t need to see, and while I turned away, they were still a brand on my brain. As I left the class, I was reminded of the war, of the battle, and how the enemy often comes out of nowhere, when I least expect it. The crazy thing is that I can’t shelter myself from never seeing or hearing things, because it’s literally everywhere. I can’t run away from it. But I don’t have to embrace it, or hang around to see how much temptation I can handle. No. I don’t have to tolerate it. I’m saved, I have a choice, and I’m not a slave to sin anymore, and I’m not that girl anymore. This is one of those situations in which I’m going to have to stand firm and fight. Now, I’m not saying I’m going to just let everything I want to let into my head into my head, but I am saying that when Satan comes back with something like that and when he uses it, God is going to be the one I run to, like I did today after the movie. I’m beginning to once again realize how difficult this part is.
After German, I grabbed my homework and laptop and headed to the Pie Shop to eat dinner and other things. I enjoy this because not only am I surrounded by people to observe and engage in conversation, but I’m also able to concentrate better. I don’t know why. God also uses environments like this to help me practice focusing on Him when there are a lot of people around, which, while that may seem a bit crazy and rather odd, is something He’s constantly growing me in.
God has this way of proving me wrong by being gentle and kind and pushing out any logical, rational argument I can make for the occurrence or impossibility of something, especially something good. I’ll sit and say that things can’t happen, that it wouldn’t make sense for certain things to happen, and then He goes and takes that good thing, that wonderful thing I never thought was part of His plan, never imagined was a desire of His for me, and He brings it about and draws me closer to Him in hope and trust and comfort. God could continue on with me in a way that’s strictly practical and calculated but still loving, and yet, because of His character, when I focus on Him and growing in Him and becoming closer to Him, He sometimes brings in the things I just want, always the things I need, but sometimes, in those wonderfully impossible moments, He brings in what I want, the things He knows make me happy, even if it’s just for a moment, just for a smile.
He’s wonderful that way 😀 In every way.
“Then King David went in and sat before the Lord and said, ‘Who am I, O Lord GOD, and what is my house, that you have brought me thus far? And yet this was a small thing in your eyes, O Lord GOD. You have spoken also of your servant’s house for a great while to come, and this is instruction for mankind, O Lord GOD!” —2 Samuel 7:18-19, ESV