So, I’ve discovered, over the past week, that there are different kinds of writer’s block: the first kind, which is normally the most common, I think, is when your mind is completely void of creativity and no ideas or formulas or bursts of inspiration are cooperating with your fingers to make a masterpiece made solely of pen and paper. The other kind is when you have so many things running through your brain, so much inspiration and so much creativity, so many different stories begging to be told that you experience the same result as the preceding type: no writing can be done here.
I’m suffering from the latter.
First of all, God is good 🙂 The other day I got the opportunity to spend lunch reading and studying the Bible, particularly the book of Ruth and part of the book of Matthew, with Karly and Renny. It was wonderful 🙂 We were able to bounce questions off one another and really dig into what different things meant and what Christ was saying. That same night I had my second college basketball game, after which I felt like I’d just left a wrestling practice, all bruises and jammed fingers. But man, was it fun 🙂
There are many things that are changing right now, and change, quite frankly, has never been my strong point. The odd thing is that all of the change seems to be for good, maybe even the best, and yet here I am nervous, afraid, uncertain. But I can find refuge in the fact that, even though my life right now is an absolute whirlwind of change and growth and movement, God is a singular point that never moves, the one constant I can count on to not change or leave me. He’s not a God of confusion, but of peace (1 Corinthians 14:33). He’s doing so many wonderful things in my life right now, and even though I can’t see where any of them will end, nor did I witness the point of their beginning, God knows, and He loves me, so I can be confident He’s not leading me astray.
God knows I struggle with change and with handling change, even the good stuff. Maybe that’s why He’s bringing it all about at once. I have no choice but to lean on Him and go to Him and ask Him for help, for sanity, for security. Then and only then can I even begin to truly enjoy the change and excitedly expect all that He wants to do in my life. And each time I deliberately cling to Him, I’m able to taste that enjoyment, and it tastes sweet 🙂
God is pushing me through many small fears that are actually rather big to me. He’s pushing me through finals and through the worry, pushing me through the uncertainties and the small difficulties, and He’s helping me *gulp* take a chance, give people opportunities to care for me and take opportunities to be vulnerable with them, and to trust that, regardless of what happens, I obeyed God and went out on a limb, even if the limb was sawed off by the sharp teeth of rejection, though this rarely happens.
It’s just a matter of falling when He asks me to and trusting that He’s going to catch me, and while the fall, the plunge, if you will, is a fearful rush, the landing is always soft and secure and strong.
Now, this doesn’t mean you should throw yourself off a cliff either literally or spiritually or otherwise just to see if God’s going to catch you. But when God says “You can trust Me as I ask you to do this thing you’re afraid to do,” I can be totally certain He’s going to catch me. He’s not going to ask me to fall into Him without being ready and willing and able to catch me. Similarly, God doesn’t send me into battle without first providing me with what I need to defend myself.
I am never defenseless or unprotected when God is around…and He’s always around…do the math 🙂
I wish I could write more, I wish I could somehow explain exactly what I’m thinking and feeling without sounding like a crazy person. All I can say, though I realize it’s cliche, is that God is so good 🙂 He’s good in the way that He brings me to Him, valiant in the way He protects me and drives away fear. He’s perfect in the way He acts, in the way He moves through my life and orchestrates things surrounding my existence. He’s confident and solid in His character, and strong and unwavering in His decisions.
And yes, again, He is good.
“Fear not, I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” —Isaiah 41:10, ESV