“April showers bring May flowers…” and yet the last week has been sunny and beautiful, warm and windy 🙂 I’ll take it as something God didn’t have to do, but that He did anyway.
This morning, talking to Him was something new, not new as in something I never do, but new as in refreshing, as in I remembered how in control He is and how in control I’m just not. My constant struggle is thinking about the future, over thinking things, over planning things. But when I was reminded that I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen, when I was reminded that this God I’m following has the plan and knows what He’s doing, and that I’ll never be able to fathom all that will happen, it became easier to breathe.
A couple of weeks ago, I received a letter from Camp BaYouCa, telling me that I’d been chosen to be a counselor again this summer 😀 Ironically enough, a few nights before I’d been wondering what in the world was going to happen, of course, and I couldn’t understand what God was doing, and He reminded me that it doesn’t matter if I know what’s going to happen, or if the future is tied down solid. He’s got it. And so I was at peace with whatever He would do, ready to take it on, and then I checked my mailbox and there it was 🙂
It’s weird how He often sets my heart right before Him before giving it what it desires. I guess that’s what He means when He says through David, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). I can’t properly and thoroughly enjoy His blessings in my life if I’m not in love with Him first, if I haven’t set my heart on Him first, if I haven’t let Him be enough, as He is. So then my entire self is filled with all that He is, and any other good thing that happens to me is simply adding to the overflow 🙂
So, I will be counseling again this summer. The first-time-counselor fears and “what-ifs” are already sprouting up, even though I’m no longer a first-time-counselor. What if I’m a horrible counselor? What if I’m not spiritually up to par? What if I fall over and break my something? What if the entire world ends because I’m just not good enough? And then of course I remember that counseling isn’t about me, and it’s not about what I’m going to do or how I’m going to do things, but rather what God is going to do at this camp, how He’s going to change the lives of the campers, how He’s going to love me and love me through it all, and what He’s going to choose to do through me, if I would only cooperate and give up all of what I’m imagining: if I would only allow Him to fill in the unknown with the adventurous dreams He has for me, all of which will draw me ever closer to Him, the One who loves me more than anyone, who holds my heart and heals it, the One whose plan is perfect.
In the past month or so, God has blessed me with Taylor and time with her, He’s given me a greater and deeper friendship with Charlene, and He’s grown me through Bible Study with my classmates. It’s weird how I always imagined Bible Study to be one person teaching a bunch of other people, when in reality Bible Study is ultimately between me and God; I’m just telling everyone what He’s been doing in me, what He’s been doing in my life, what I’ve found while reading His Best Seller. And while it’s still a bit difficult to know how to talk, what to feel, what to desire for everyone in the group because they’re all so willing to discuss the Bible but not to trust it, so willing to “accept” that it’s absolute truth but not let it change them, God is challenging my patience, testing me in ways I never imagined I could be tested and honestly, had I known how uncomfortable and difficult they would’ve been, wouldn’t have asked for Him to grow me these ways. But He is, because He knows what I need and He loves me and He knows much better than I what’s coming up, what flaws exist within my character, what things need to be sifted out of me so that I can keep growing in and drawing closer to Him.
Jacob comes back to the states in a couple of months, and I’m really excited to see him and talk to him and spend time with him 🙂 God continues to use him to challenge me, again, in ways I never thought I needed to be challenged. God blesses me daily with him and uses him to push me closer to the One I so desperately need. I can’t talk to him and not be driven back to the feet of The Almighty. And that is really cool 🙂
Registration for fall classes begins in a matter of weeks, and finals are coming in an equally short amount of time. At first I was yearning for the time to speed up and be done and over with. But God has reminded me once again that His timing is perfect, that I’m right where I need to be right now and He has a purpose and a point in everything that’s going on, whether I can see it or not.
Tomorrow I have a World Civ. exam and lunch with Charlene 😀 It’s amazing how coming back after Christmas break I didn’t feel like there was anyone I could really depend on or be open with on campus, because, unfortunately, I can’t be as vulnerable and dependent upon my unsaved classmates concerning spiritual issues and divine matters of the heart and life decisions. And yet here God has provided me with two wonderful women who I can challenge and encourage and who challenge and encourage me, whether they realize they’re doing it or not. He also continues to bless me with Hannah and Beth, my mom, Jacob, Uncle Doug and Aunt Lori, and Pastor Dan and Julie, to name a few. He uses Sam and Maria to push me and encourage me as well. He’s supported me and surrounded me with His people, and even when they’re not here, I am never alone and my home is with me, and He doesn’t leave, and never will.