I don’t know if blogging writer’s block is really a thing, but if it is, I definitely have it. There are so many things going on and yet I have absolutely no idea how to write about them. Most of them seem so deep and insane that typing them out on this computer screen would almost do them an injustice. But I don’t know.
I sometimes wonder if, had I ended up going to the Christian college in Colorado, I would be learning the same things I’m learning here as far as my relationship with Christ and ministry and myself is concerned. Not that going to a Christian college is a bad thing, far from it. But at the same time, I do wonder, and I can’t help but remember how deep the knowledge of God is, how He maybe, just maybe knew what He was doing when He sent me to New York City. Hm.
Pride is the constant battle, and keeping myself from mentally signing out of college-mode and signing into summer-mode seems to be a way of life. Some questions from my classmates tease my brain, and I wonder. “The Bible can’t be trusted because it’s gone through so much human translation.” But wouldn’t God, if He really is as powerful and sovereign and awesome as He says He is, be able to ensure that His word came out as true as He wanted it to, even after so much translation? Or is man greater than God?
BaYouCa. I find myself praying for my girls, the girls that I don’t have yet, the girls that will come to BaYouCa, along with all of the other campers. I’m so bad at being compassionate. I find it very difficult to cry with those who cry. I’m so incapable when it comes to loving the unlovable and so selfish when it comes to really loving anyone else. It’s hard for me to be maternal. And yet God broke my heart last summer, and brought me down so low that all I could do was look at Him and stand in awe. And I remember how many times last summer He worked so obviously without me, worked so greatly outside of my control and influence, and because I’ve seen Him do it once, who am I to say that He can’t do it again?
In Ecology the other day, we were discussing fracking and natural gas and our professor divided us into research groups, where we sat and talked about what we thought about fracking. One of the girls in my group was talking about how the sun would last for at least another billion years, and has been around for however many millions of years. I said that there’s still some question as to if the sun is really that old, but before I could go on, another girl said that “well, the people who think that are idiots, and the people with the actual facts are the ones in charge, so we don’t have to worry about it.” And then class ended.
Today during Studio, I went to question the use of a verse in Romans, concerning God’s acceptance of the Gentiles as part of His people, those that who were not His beloved now becoming His beloved. The verse was used out of context, and in a way that put redemptive emphasis on the romantic relationship between a man and a woman. While there is a wonderful fulfillment in pure relationships like that, the use of the verse to support that bothered me, because it was talking about something so much greater and so much bigger than a human relationship, and to use it that way and not talk about the redemption coming from Christ just felt wrong. And yet everyone sought to explain it away, and then class ended.
I keep thinking, “Oh, there’s only four weeks of school left, I just have to get through it.” But I don’t want to “just get through it.” I want to thrive and push and fight through these next four weeks and not give into complacency. No. Way. And knowing that God is real, that Christ is His Son, that He did die on that cross and did defeat sin and death and Satan and knowing that there is a war going on, I can’t justify sitting around and letting the days pass me by. Every moment counts, and every conversation is important, and every day is new and awesome, because, yes, it’s the day the Lord has made, and even when I forget that, even when I forget that I was made to live day by day, hanging on the very Word of God, it’s still true. At the end of the day, at the beginning, and smack dab in the middle of it, Christ is the completing factor, the thing everyone is looking for, the redemption of the world, and the savior of the lost and the broken.
I keep trying to go back to how I was before this semester, keep trying to step backwards in my relationship because it’s what’s familiar, and I just can’t. I can’t do it. Because God is a forward momentum and my relationship with Him will never plateau. There are times when I rest in Him, when I just sit with my head in my hands and wonder what on earth He’s doing, and there are times when I’m running after Him, falling over myself as I try to catch up, keep up, and yet I never get tired or lose my breath. He’s not satisfied with my staying in one phase of my relationship with Him, and is always transforming me from one degree of glory to another, all to make me more like Him.
And people say being a Christian is boring.
“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him, and He will act.” —Psalm 37:4-5