I was reminded today, after having to decide between nasty responses or kind and quiet resolve several times, of how important it is for me to go to God first, before I run to anyone else. I spent a while at the end of the day just crying to Him and talking to Him about all of my fears and frustrations and struggles, and at the end, though nothing had changed and no problems had been magically fixed, I had laid everything on the One who can do something about any of it, the One who can comfort me when I feel helpless to change anything.
The phrase “It’s just not fair” ran through my head several times today, not even for my own circumstances…quite honestly, my circumstances are wonderful. Sure, I still struggle with different things, but God is enough to send those fears running away, should I cooperate and let Him handle them rather than trying to convince and philosophize them away. He’s blessed me immensely and loved me unconditionally and continues to do so every day, showing me how to be more like Him and growing me closer to Him…but I can’t seem to get past hurting for those I care about.
Home is a wonderful place and I’m so glad to be here, but there’s a lot of hurt and a lot of bitterness that’s wound up like matted hair on a long-haired dog that hasn’t been brushed and bathed in several months. And I find myself stuck in the middle of it all. Part of me thinks I don’t have to be so devastated over such things…the other part of me feels like I’d be lethargic or maybe even caustic if I’m not.
I know. It’s ridiculous.
And then I very wonderfully go onward to over think absolutely everything, considering all of the worst possible things that could happen, and the concerns, considering past occurrences and all of the nonsense that has actually happened, are rational and legitimate and well-founded…but at the same time God is there telling me not to worry.
Me: God, I don’t think You understand the gravity of the situation. This, this, and this is happening to so and so and also to so and so, and it’s kind of a problem that needs to be fixed right now and I need to be the one to fix it.
God: Don’t worry about it.
Me: What!? Don’t You see what’s happening? Weren’t You there for what happened before? Don’t You know what could happen?
God: Yes. I’m God. I know everything.
Me: Well, yeah, but do You really know about this?
God: What do you think?
And it’s not like He’s saying “don’t worry” and “just forget about it.” He’s saying, “don’t worry” and “I’ve got it covered.” There is a difference. It’s similar, I think, to when we’re going through a serious trial, when things in life are less than we wanted them to be, when difficulties seem to be bullets being fired at us as we move through the everyday things of our lives. During those times, God challenges us to be patient in affliction and joyful and to be of good cheer, because He’s overcome all of the difficulties already. This, however, doesn’t just make the difficulties disappear. They’re still there. The hurt is still real. The pain is still harsh and hard to handle. But, because of Christ and His ability to give us supernatural peace, we, as Christians, have the ability to undergo unbelievable circumstances with joy. We don’t just have to survive. We can thrive.
At the end of the day, I was also reminded that people are not the enemy. When people reject me, or use harsh words, or hurt someone I care about, they’re not doing so because the fight is with me or with that person. It’s with God. And the real enemy is Satan, and he’s seriously trying to mess with me. I’d forgotten, again, that this is a war, all day, every day.
For a while I had always imagined, considering that life is a war and every day is a battle against the world, the enemy, and my own flesh, God fighting. I couldn’t, however, find in the Bible a place where it talked about God being in battle, or on a battlefield of any kind. Yes, there are passages that say “God will fight for you,” and the like, but never about Him actually in battle, which was fine, but my curiosity was still unsatisfied. Well, the other day I was reading through the Psalms while doing dishes, and I read this:
“Who is this King of glory? The Lord, strong and mighty, the Lord, mighty in battle.” (Psalm 24:8).
How cool is that? 😀 God is described as “The King of glory” and “mighty in battle,” and that’s really cool, and it just goes to show, along with the rest of the Bible, that God is active in the life of the Christian, the life of the disciple, and He does fight with me and for me.
After the last difficulty of the day was over, or seemed to be over, I retreated to debrief with God for a while up in my room. After talking with Him for some time, I played music and started to reorganize my plethora of books and such lining my shelves and piling up on my floor. During this past summer, an elderly couple in our church was getting rid of their library…their entire library. So my sister, mother, and I headed over and brought home enough books to start a small school. I still hadn’t organized them.
Most of the books are old, covered in dust, filled with notes and postcards and even love letters. There’s a Bible I found bound in a leather Bible cover, zippered up with a cross key chain made of copper. Inside the pages are thin and ancient, but the words are still the same. And that’s awesome 🙂
It’s nice to know that even though my heart is a bit overwhelmed, and even though things are difficult, God’s word is still the same, He’s still the same. He stills looks at me with the same affection and love that He always has. His plan for me hasn’t changed. His desires for me and His desire for my life hasn’t changed. His knowledge of my future, past, and present hasn’t changed. He’s still there, and He’s still God.
And God is good 🙂
No, things are not okay, and I am tired, both physically and spiritually and emotionally, and I’m also sick with the common cold, so that does have something to do with it. Though there are people who have much more difficult circumstances, it doesn’t change the fact that this is a challenge for me. But again, even though I don’t understand why things are the way they are, or how to handle the things that are happening, or how to react to harsh words and rejection, God does know and He does have a purpose in all of it, and He is still able to bring good out of the bad. And that’s enough.